Another Mom Blog

This time again

2008-12-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

So it's Christmastime again...
Its been six years since my mom has been gone but Christmas without her still hurts.
After my mom died in August my father and I were cleaning up their apartment a little. Inside a closet I found wrapped presents to me, my father and sister and her boys. She knew she wasn't going to make it to another Christmas and didn't want us to go without, because she was always thinking of us, so she did her shopping and even her wrapping.
It was really heartbreaking and heartwarming to find those presents. My sister didn't even open hers at the time, she needed to cherish that last gift. That was my mother. Always thinking of everyone else, always wanting everyone else to be happy at Christmas.
Last night Lexi was looking at a picture of myself and my mom and dad. When she got to my mom and said who that mommy, I said Memere. She said Hi Memere!
It completely broke my heart.

A Peanut Butter Thought for the Day

2008-11-13T06:30:00.000-08:00

When I arrived at work this morning and sat at my desk, I noticed a small perfectly shaped peanut butter hand print on my left knee. The girl must have rested her hand on my leg as she was giving me good bye kisses this morning.

My boss in her office over heard me telling a co-worker about it, and she said. Cherish the peanut butter now, when you get to be my age you'll be yearning for a little peanut butter hand print.

Three Blind Mice

2008-11-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

This morning at 2am I laid my sweet little sleeping boy down in his crib for the second time. Then out of no where my delirous sleep deprived mind started with...

Three blind mice, three blind mice, she how they run, see how they run.

Then it occured to me. That is just not a nice song for little ones... it goes on

They all run after the farmers wife, she cut of their tails with a carving knife... three blind mice.

Huh. Just an observation.

My favorite holiday

2008-10-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

Has always been Halloween. Today at work we decorated our office area. There are spiders hanging from the ceiling and cobwebs all over our desks. Looks kind of spooky. I'm really excited this year because we're going to take Lexi trick-or-treating. Not in the traditional neighborhood, but in the neighborhood at the nursing home I work for. It will be really nice because it will be inside, so no dealing with the weather and the dark. We'll visit the residents and that will make it more like home for them. Older people love kids, well most do anyway in my experience and they always ooh and ahh over babies. This will be Lexi's first Halloween experience. Luke's too but he won't be getting any candy. Lexi is going to be a witch. She will of course be the most beautiful witch you've ever seen. She actually let me put her costume on her the other day and she loved it. Keep your fingers crossed that she doesn't freak out when we get there on Friday.

All the love in the world

2008-10-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

Does not make me a good mother. We all have moments or days like that right? I feel like no matter how much love I give my children that alone doesn't make me a good mother. That is the truth really. To be a good mother you must instill values, show respect, have patience ect.
I guess I'm lacking the patients department quite a bit.
I've been on vacation for half of the week (yes just half) and I can't friggin wait until Monday! Seriously I don't know how you stay at home moms do it, I just could not. I love my babies so very much but my God I'm pulling my hair out.
The toddler has been a little kling on this weekend. I love that she loves me but girl you've got two feet get down and use them. The baby is also more than charming this weekend. He had shots on Thursday and I think he's got a bit of a cold, oh and he may possibly be teething.
Having them so close together I think is really really trying, yet I am sure that if they were further apart it would still be trying, just with different issues.
I've been really sad lately. The baby chapter in my life has come to a close. The hubs had the big V and we wont be having anymore children. While that is good, because five is a whole hell of a lot, it is still very sad to me. Sad to think that I'll never be pregnant again. I'm one of those fools who really enjoyed my pregnancies along with the labor. Yes you read that right I enjoyed labor and delivery. I'll never have that sleeply little newborn to hold and cuddle again. I'll never hear the first words, or the happy toddler chit chat, or the way they sound when then run full throttle though the house. Then reality slaps me in the face with a day like today, and thank GOD I'm not having anymore babies.
There is always grandchildren....

Autumn in the Backyard

2008-10-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

Lexi actually likes the leaves this year. She had a blast playing with her big sibs.

My Name is Mommy

2008-09-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm someones Mommy, two someones actually. Yes my daughter is almost two but sometimes it still amazes me.
I've graduated from Mama to Mommy. Sometimes I kind of miss hearing Mama, but her voice is just so sweet when she says Mommy. Although we've really gotta stop watching Caillou because I think she's mimicking him and its annoying as hell. She can make herself sound just like him. Have you ever noticed how whiney this little cartoon kid is? I hate it!
All day long I hear, No Mommy, No Mommy. Mommy look... mommy mommy mommy.
Yes sweatpea, I love you, and I love being your Mommy but I'm so tired of hearing No Mommy.
I'm always referring to myself in the third person when I'm speaking to her. I'm not really sure why this happens but I know everyone does it.
"No honey, Mommy said don't do that."
"Mommy doesn't like that"
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in being mommy I forget I have another name.
One of these days I'm going to answer the phone at work, "Mommy speaking, how may I help you."

Thinking

2008-09-16T17:04:00.000-07:00

Time for my Tuesday night random post.
So I've been thinking a lot about adoption. Mine in general. I was watching this show the other night called The Locator. This guy is like a private investigator or something and families contact them to find their "missing" family member.
The particular episode that I watched involved a 20 something woman who was given up for adoption at birth. Her birth mother's nurse was the adoptee's aunt. The aunt had all the information regarding the birth mother but wouldn't share. So she enlisted the help of The Locator.
So the guy finds the woman, seemingly relatively fast and brings the adoptee to the birth mothers house. This woman had a beautiful upscale type house. She was obviouslly very well off. The adoptee met her mother and then went on to meet her two younger sisters. Everyone is happy, the show ends. I'm pretty sure I would have been kind of pissed off. To see how well my mother had done for herself. Not only that but just a year later my younger sister would be born. Sheesh, talk about getting robbed.
My own story is a little different.
I always knew I was/am adopted, from the moment I could first understand I guess. One day was I was 18 my parents (adopted parents, but my "real" parents) called me to my sisters house. They said it was important and I needed to get there right away.
When I arrived there was a solom look on everyone's faces. I knew there was something wrong. Thats when they showed me a woman's obituarity. I began reading it and immediatly knew it was my mother. I don't know how I just did, and then I read my birth name listed as one of her surving children. There were six. On that day I had learned the mother who gave me life and then gave me wonderful parents, a woman who i'd never met but loved so much, had died. I also learned that I had siblings. Older siblings. I was the very last kid to be born and they couldn't keep me.
The wake was that evening, my family asked me if I wanted to go, and if I did they would be by my side. I had to go. I couldn't let my mother be buried without me seeing her face.
When I arrived there in the parkling lot my sister recognized someone. It was a woman whom she had worked with a year or so before. The woman turned out to be my Grandmother. My sister introduced me and my Grandmother put her arms around me and began crying. I cried so hard. The feeling I can't even describe. It was joy, it was fear, excitement and sadness. I went into the funeral home and met my birth mother for the first time, lying in her casket.
I then met my sister and four brothers. The whole thing was a whirlwind.
We kept in contact for some time, but it didn't last. I'm not sure why. I guess after the curiosity was settled, I didn't feel I needed them in my life. I do regret it from time to time. I think about them often. I saw in the newspaper that my Grandfather died. I wanted to send a card but I never did.
Now being a mother myself, I can't imagine the pain my birth mom went though. How can you possibly carry a baby for that long, go through the labor and birth process, and then just hand her away. I wont lie sometimes i feel resentment, but I'm so happy and thankful to my birth mother for doing the right thing and giving me to a wonderful family that could provide for me. I was lucky and blessed, and lived a higher quality life, in my opinion, than that of my siblings. I'm just sorry my birth mother had to go through that. When I look at my babies, I feel so sorry for my her and wished that she had gotten a chance to see what I've become.
Adoption is a wonderful thing. I admire the mothers who give their babies a chance every day, and feel for their pain.

Its all worth it

2008-09-06T17:37:00.001-07:00

All of the the sleepless nights, the hours of colicky crying, the rocking and holding until it stop and then starting over. The poop, the pee the spit up. Teething, fevers, sickness, tantrums. All of that goes away just to here those sweet words, the most beautiful words in the English language.

I love you mama.

She did it, she finally said it and it was the best feeling in the world. Thanks Barney for teaching her the song, because now she gets it.
For a week now she's been saying, I love you mimi, I love you dada, I love you Tasha, I love you Becca, I love you Stevie. She had something against saying it to me I don't know, but today, today she said it and it just melted me away.

I love you too Lexi.

I like my peas ma!

2008-09-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for it has been

2008-09-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

Two months since I last blogged. I just can't keep up. I like blogging I really do. I know no one is reading but I don't care. I do it for my own entertainment purposes mostly, and it gives me someone to bounce random shit off.
So in the last two months in crazy mommy land, what have I done? Not much really. Funny it seems that I am always super busy but when I account for what I've done, I can't see that I've really done anything. I work all day. Oh thats different I got a new job. Same place, different position. I am now working for the Director of Nursing which has been good, no complaints there. It does get slow from time to time compared to what I was doing before, but it seems to me that I need to be constantly busy to be happy. I don't know what it is. People always seem to be surprised when I've completed a task. I mean seriously, does everyone else in the world besides me have shitty time management skills? Now I'm not saying I'm the shit and that I am better than everyone else, just I seem to always get my work done faster. I do need to figure out a way to space things out a bit. See the complication there lies in my personality. When I'm given something. I do it right away, because number 1, I have to get it done, 2 if I don't get it done right away it will nag on me until I do it. So to save myself all the frustration I just do it right away. So then when someone brings me something else to do I'm all caught up and I can focus my attention on that project. Now when I have more than one project going on at one time, I usually find a way to work on them both at the same time. Say project A requires me to complete a step and then wait for someone else, I then move on to project B until either completion, or project A's next step is ready. I'll set aside project B and finish project A, because you know you can not leave anything hanging.

So tonight I have some free time to myself. I could be doing something like texting and earning a little extra cash but I really just wanna sit and do nothing, or rattle off a bunch of nothing on my blog. I finished work today, came home and started the assembely line. Yes I know I only have two kids but sometimes it seems like I have to run an assembely line to get things done. First its feed myself and Lexi.
Lexi will go play for a while and its time for Luke to eat.
Usually Lexi requires a bath because she got filthy. Then we brush her teeth and its time for jammies and we're headed upstairs. I spend a little quality time rocking her for a minute or two because its the only cuddle time I get in with her, and then I put her in her crib for the night.
Next its Lukes turn. He's probably been fussing the whole time I was with Lexi because hes a baby and he's impatient. So I get him in the bath. He's small and doesn't yet play in the water so his baths are usually pretty short. Then its jammie time. I go upstairs feed him a bottle, rock and cuddle and put him in his crib. See how its like an assembley line?
Its like latter, rinse and repeat.

The tell-tale black bag

2008-06-14T12:59:00.000-07:00

Since I've been back to work, I've found it interesting how many women I now notice that pump. You know who they are because when they head out to break they're carrying that tell-tale black bag.
They're made to look discreet, like a brief case, or laptop bag, but apparently we nursing moms know exactly what they are.
I figured this out as I came out of the locker room and my co-worker, whose baby was born in February, said:
"So, where do YOU do that."
Naturally I laughed, because I was sort of surprised that she knew where I was going and what I was going to do.
Now its something that we share, along with several other women. We discuss where are the best places in the building for some privacy. Who pumps when. What a pain in the ass it is and how much milk did you get today?
I'm glad I'm doing this. I know I didn't want to, and while it is a pain in the ass, something about it makes me feel good. I know, I'm doing the right thing. Not that formula is the wrong thing, cause I've done that too, but now I have a sense of accomplishment I guess.

Typical Toddler Behavior

2008-06-03T05:43:00.000-07:00

Just exactly what is it, really?
Yesterday I checked on Lexi, she was watching Barney and being mischeviously quiet, that always warrants a peek. She was sitting on the couch biting her knee. Apparently self-biting is a typical toddler behavior. I don't know why but she kept doing it though out the day. She'd say bite, and then off and bite her knee, and leave teeth prints in her knee. Me, thinking she's hungry, I get her a snack. She doesn't eat.
Thats another oddity, she's pretty much quit eating. She used to be such a wonderful eater. She loved meat, and most of her veggies, and most definitely pasta. Now she takes one or two bites of every meal and shes done. She's skinny as it is, I'm afraid she'll forever be in size 12 month clothing. Not only does she refuse to eat, she refuses to sit in her booster chair. I've given up trying to put her in it and removed it from the table. She now sits in a regular chair, wait let me say that again. She moves freely throughout the kitchen during meals. No wonder she doesn't eat right?
Shes a mystery sometimes. Trying to decode her squeaks, and squeals and screams.

Baking with Mom

2008-05-30T05:44:00.000-07:00

So I'm not much of a baker, or a cook for that matter. I pretty much avoid it if possible.
Every now and then; however, I decide I need something to snack on and bake myself some cupcakes.
Nothing that requires any work or brain power either. The kind that is "just add water".
I thought it would be fun for Lexi to join in on the fun. She had a ball stirring the batter and then licking the spoon, and finally she even enjoyed helping me wash the dishes.

Our Family Circus

2008-05-26T06:53:00.001-07:00

I'm sure most people are familiar with the comic The Family Circus. This weekend I felt like I was living a comic strip of my own. Five kids is a lot of work. Actually the one that is the most work is my 19 month old. Hell she must be advanced for her age, as I am pretty sure she is going though her terrible two's now. Please oh please don't let it get any worse than this.
We tried to go out to a restaurant on Saturday. We had two of the older kids, Lexi and Lukas. Lexi has been going though this phase where she will not eat. Not only will she not eat, but she refuses to sit in a high chair. Refuses to sit anywhere actually. She's become quite independent and the idea of being tied into a chair really pisses her off.
So when we got to the restaurant and tried to put her in the high chair, it was one big bitching match. We ended up having to leave the restaurant. It was really embarrassing and I felt bad for the older kids. We had to cut their good time short because of the screaming little devil.
It did get better though. We made it up to them. We left the devil with her Grandmother and took them out to breakfast.
After they went back to their moms we decided to take Lexi and Lukas to the animal farm. Trying to get out the door was like trying to swim upstream. It's a big process with two so young. First I needed to nurse Lukas. Ok he poops, need to change his diaper. Back to nursing, stop burp, spit up. Ok now I need to change his clothes. Ok he's good to go. Hang tight little dude. I get Lexi apply bug spray and sunscreen. Grab some pants. Put on socks and shoes. Need to pack the diaper bag. Grab a bottle for Lukas in case. Put snacks in for Lexi, throw in a coat in case it gets cold. I change my clothes myself and get ready to put the baby in his car seat.
Oh wait... there is poop all over the place. He shit again! Outfit change number 3!
Finally we made it out the door and to the animal farm. Much to my surprise the little devil was a little angel. She had a great time walking around and saying hi to all the animals. Ah success at last!

Always Cherish the Joys of Being a Parent

2008-05-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

Hold close to your heart
the moments when tiny fingers
reach out to tightly grasp yours,
for soon they will search
for new directions in which to grasp.
Cherish the growth -
the first step, smile and word -
for soon they will
make way for new accomplishments.
Cherish with patience and love
each day with your children set before you,
because soon they become
memories to be tucked away.
Love with all yo ur heart
the blessed gift of your child
and appreciate each and every moment.

- Katherine J. Romboldi

Negativity

2008-05-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

I was thinking last night that my tone in this blog may be a little negative. I don't mean to always complain, but better I complain in my blog than to people I know.
As it is Steve is always going on and on about how negative I am. I get so sick of hearing it. He never hears the positive because he pays to much attention to my negativity.
It's just my personality. I can not change who I am. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve so I guess that is why people always see the bad. If there is something on my mind you're likely to know what it is. Although I am getting better at holding things at times.
No I'm not ALWAYS in a bad mood. Its just easier to complain about the bad than cheer about the good. I'm not sure why.
Life just gets to me sometimes, as I'm sure it does with everyone. It doesn't mean I'm not thankful and grateful for what I have by any means. For the most part I love my life.

Gripe of the day

2008-05-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

I can not see a damn thing. I just got new contacts. I spent about two months trying out several pairs of contacts. Each time I went back to be refitted I had to pay another $40.00 to the eye doctor. All of which I was convinced he was just out to get my money.
The first pair he put me in were horrible. I could feel them in my eyes and they weren't strong enough I couldn't see. So I go back and he tells me my eyes are dry and its probably due to pregnancy. He said in the third trimester women often get dry eyes. Ok... I believe him I guess he does have a medical degree. So he changes the prescription and gives me the same brand. They still stuck, and I still could not see! I went back to him and told him my original brand was good and I want those back but just in my newer stronger prescription. So he orders them I wait two weeks and they come in finally, the wrong prescription! It was right where I started. Anyway... I got it right. Well the right prescription that is. But I still can't see! My eyes are dry. He says breastfeeding can make your eyes dry. Oh great, yet another perk to the wonderful art of breastfeeding. I don't care I can not keep putting drops in my eyes every five minutes. I suppose I'll call him today, or maybe tomorrow and ask for yet another brand. That or I could wear my glasses, but with my blindness I'd rather not have a sheet of glass hanging from my face.

Re-opening my blog

2008-05-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

I should have done this earlier in my time off but for some reason I didn't.
Most days I don't have much to say. Most days I'll just ramble, but I thought I'd come back to this blog. Who cares if I only post once and a while.
Sometimes I think of a bunch of shit that I want to ramble about for no apparent reason, and I've really got no appropriate venue for it, other than a blog.
I mean who cares really, about what I've got to complain about, or not complain about, or my randomness for the day. Blogging land cares, what else is there.

So tomorrow is my birthday and I really hate birthday's. I mean really really really hate them. Not just because I'm getting older. Well thats a big part of it. I'm going to be 27 tomorrow. Thats late twenties. I'm not 20 anymore! Time to be a big girl. I don't know why it bothers me. I mean its not like I haven't accomplished a lot.

I've managed to finish high school, or at least get a GED, then go on to get an Associates Degree. It's only an Associates but it's better than nothing right. I've gone though several jobs. They all had their ups and downs, some mostly downs, but now at least I feel like I am in the right place.

I married a wonderful man. The second time around that is, first time not so much. And now I have two beautiful children. So why I'm worried about my age I don't really know.

Another reason for my hatred of birthday's, is I miss my mother. I miss my mother so much and my birthdays is especially hard on me.
Then there is my birth mother. When I was a kid I'd think about her on my birthday and wonder if she'd remember that she gave birth to me that day. Was she thinking of me, did she miss me? Did she wonder what I was like. I'll never know because shes dead too. So being the pessimistic negative person that I am, I'm full of anger and hatred in regards to my birthday.
Thats it really.

Done with this blog

2008-01-03T05:38:00.000-08:00

Since I don't have time to blog so much anymore, I'll be only keeping up on Alexandra and Lukas' blogs.
Dear Alexandra, Dear Lukas.

Not the best idea

2007-10-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

If at some point in your life your are thinking of living with your mother-in-law or moving her in with you, you'll need to seriously rethink that. Think long and hard, because the decision can often be irreversible. Now some of you are saying, but I love my mother-in-law. We have a great relationship and I feel so close with her. This may be true, but move in together and then see what happens.
First point to ponder, how would you feel about being married to two people? Now if you're thinking this might sound nice, let me just tell you it isn't. Do you appreciate your husband leaving things lying around the house? Imagine that times two. Only this isn't your husband, you can't just bark at him and tell him what a fucking slob he is an expect him to take care of it. Noo it's your mother-in-law, you can't be mean to your mother-in-law, you've got nothing to withhold if she doesn't comply.
How about this, Did you enjoy living with your mother? Do you enjoy people telling you what to do, dictating what time supper is done and even what is served. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, I would LOVE to have someone cook dinner for me every night. Even if you love your mother-in-law's cooking, this too can get old. Its like going to a restaurant and they decide for you what you will eat. Sometimes it is better just to do it yourself.
Forget about it if you have kids. You will become second to your children. Mother-in-law will tell them when and how to do things, and then its time for them to seek permission on something, they will ask Mother-in-law.
Also, remember what generation your mother-in-law grew up in. Hers was the generation where it was ok to smoke cigarettes during pregnancy, put children to sleep on their bellies, and feed them solids at 1 week old, because well all her babies turned out just fine.
A word to the wise, thinking of living with your mother-in-law, think long and hard on that one.

Just Thoughts

2007-10-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my dads birthday. I called him in the morning to say Happy Birthday and he invited me to lunch. My sister and and nephew came as well as my dad's girlfriend.
For some reason I felt so disconnected with the whole situation. I looked at my dad and thought, who is this person? He is certainly not the man I grew up with. He's just so different in so many ways its too hard to put my finger on just one. Obviously not having my mom around has something to do with it. I do know his girlfriend changed him a lot.
He says to me "What are you doing for Alexandra's birthday?"
I was mostly shocked because I don't think I've ever heard him utter her name before. Why? I don't know, possibly because he didn't remember? Possibly because he just doesn't like it. I don't know. I do know that he thinks its Alexandria though. How sad is that? My own father doesn't know how to spell my daughters name? It's not like its anything different like Balmooloot or something. Oh and on top of that I know he doesn't know my last name. Yep that's right my dad hasn't got a clue, what my last name is. I know this because he had his girlfriend call me some months ago to ask me what it was as he was filling out his will.
My I normally see my father once a week, which is more than some see their parents. We meet for breakfast. Any interaction he gets with my daughter is just for the 30 minutes we eat, then he's gone. If I were to invite him over, he wouldn't come. Too busy, serving papers, or got something going on. Then why don't I go over? Well cause they're too busy, and then I'd have to listen to his girlfriend talk non stop in her holier than thou tone. I know part of why I feel so disconnected is because I just can't stand her. My own problem not his.

Jellybean

2007-09-30T08:03:00.001-07:00

Well here is our newest addition, now dubbed jelly bean. So far so good, baby is growing on track and has a strong heart beat.

Week 8 Appointment

2007-09-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

Well today I had my first appointment with Janet for this pregnancy. I was excited, she was excited. I am her first repeat patient in this practice she is in. She comes from Vermont. It's nice to have a comfortoble relationship with her. She mentioned that she is moving to my home town, which I think is really cool. Homebirth? Hmm probably not. Too many kids at home, nosy MIL, plus I think the hospital she works for would have a problem with that. So we'll still use the birthing center.
She did not attempt to get the heartbeat on the dopplar. Its still a bit too early for that. She did an exam and said my uterus is feeling a little smaller than 8 weeks. I'm not overly concerned with that since I measured small thoughout my whole pregnancy last time. We are getting an ultrasound which is good news. I expected to have to wait until 18 weeks, but I'll be glad to see if the little bugger is growing in there.

Take two

2007-09-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

I can't find time to keep up with blogging as much as I used to. During my pregnancy with Alexandra I wrote quite often, I wrote updates on the pregnancy and on the doctors appointments. Which I hope to do again. It shouldn't be too difficult to find time to write.
I am now seven weeks pregnanty with baby number two. Alexandra just turned 11 months old which means she'll be 18 months when this one (nick named Walrus) arrives.
Things are different this time around with this pregnancy. I guess its because its the second pregnancy. With the first everything was so new and exciting. This time I've yet to feel any type of bond or attachment to Walrus. We also were not actively trying to get pregnant either, as with the first pregnancy we tried for three months. We felt lucky that it happened to us so quickly.
I'm hoping this one is a boy, but I don't feel that it is. With our history we're more likely to have a girl, with Steve having 3 girls and 1 boy now. Also I've read the closer intercourse to ovulation the more likely the chances of a boy. By my calculations we were way off with ovulation.
I guess we'll see what the next 230 something days have in store. Next week is my first appointment with my midwife Janet. I believe she'll be excited, and that I am likely her first repeat patient in her new practice.

Miss Lexi Enjoying Life

2007-08-19T09:32:00.001-07:00

I haven't done a random post in a while. Some of my recent favorite pictures.

Five Years Ago

2007-08-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

Five years ago today my mother died. People tell you, when someone dies, that time heals, and it will get better as the days pass and so on. Really it doesn't ever get better. At least for me. Every day without her is hard, and today is even harder. Today its all fresh in my mind again, like it happened today.

My mom was sick for a long time. She had lung cancer which spread throughout her body. She had chemotherapy and went into remission for ten wonderful months. When the cancer came back it was worse. Still in her lungs but also had spread to her bones, and her brain. She had more rounds of chemotherapy and even radiation. The radiation broke her. She was so sick and week she lost her spirit to fight. Three days prior to her death she had fallen down. My aunt who was staying with her called me at work, she could not help her up. I left work immediately and drove to my moms apartment and called my dad on my way. The image of my mom laying on the floor completely helpless is forever burned into my mind. It kills me. The woman who once took care of me, could no longer take care of herself. I don't know what gave me the strength, my mom was a pretty heavy woman, but I lifted her off the floor and helped her to her bed. I laid with her and we cried and cried. She told me she was so disgusted with herself and she just wanted to give up.

My father and I agreed that it was time she go back to the hospital. We called an ambulance to come because we could not get her in the car. They lived on the second floor of an apartment and the paramedics carried her out, strapped to a chair.

Three days go by and my mother is in the hospital. I never left her side. My father ended up in the emergency room. All of the stress caused his angina to act up. I sat with her and listened. Her breathing was labored, gurgling sounding. She laid still with her eyes closed, and I laid with my head on her chest.

Finally my sister and her husband came, and my husband came. We stayed all day and all night so she wouldn't be alone, just waiting for her to die. We knew there was no coming home this time. The morning of her death I went home to take a shower. My husband had already left to fix his truck at home. When I left I knew it wouldn't be much longer. Her legs were turning purple, and her kidney's had shut down. I told my husband to hurry back as I left on my way back to the hospital. When I arrived I grabbed her hand and stood by her side. She opened her eyes and looked at me for the first time in three days. I told her not to be scared. I told her it was ok to let go. I told her we all would be fine and I would take care of everyone. She took her last breath.

I cried so hard. I said I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, over and over again. To this day I'm not sure why I said that. I felt it needed to be said. I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering she went though. I'm so sorry for anything I ever did as a kid to hurt her feelings. I'm so sorry she had to leave us.

The rest of the day is still clear to me. My husband came, but he was too late. I ran out into the parking lot and grabbed on to him so tight and cried. I cried and cried for days. It occurred to me that I will never hear her voice again. Never see her smile, or hear her laugh. I felt so alone.

Fear of dying

2007-08-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

I've always had a fear of dying, but lately its been intensified. Part of the reason is I think that I've finally come to terms with the idea of Heaven and Hell not existing. Being raised Catholic, I was taught about God, Heaven, Hell, Satan...the works. I can't say that even as a kid I ever fully believed in all of it. I can't find any evidence of God, therefore I choose not to believe. I wouldn't label myself an Atheist, just a free thinker. I'm open to all kinds of possibilities. Anyhow, getting off topic. I'm coming to realize that death is the end. There is nothing more. No Heaven, no afterlife, nada. That scares the crap out of me. I think about my daughter and what will happen to her. What would happen if I couldn't see her smile anymore, hear her laugh, or even cry. To not hold her or hug her. It just kills me. Granted I don't plan on dying in the near future, but there is always that what if. Even if I die when shes fifty its still not something I'm looking forward to. Maybe its because the anniversary of my own mother's death is coming up. I look at how much I still love and need her and can't believe she no longer exists anywhere. She's missed out on so much of my life over the past five years, and I too have missed out on having her here.

New Job - Day Five

2007-08-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

I started my new job last Wednesday. It was supposed to be later but the woman who had the position before me had two days to "train" me. Well we went over a couple of things but, I am pretty much sitting here clueless. To top it off... my new boss is on vacation this week. So I'm here with nothing to do all week. Totally totally sucks. I mean who does that?!

Starting a new job has its ups and downs. On major downer is obviously my lack of work. I feel so alone here its crazy. There are a whole bunch of people around me, but I am all alone. There aren't many people here whom I would consider aproachable. I'm like a ghost, I don't exist here yet. My friend suggested bringing in donuts to get them to like me. Oh funny and true is that. If I bring in donuts surely everyone will remember my name, that or I'll forever be known as Dunkin Donuts girl.

I want to like this job, I really do. Ultimately it's not where I want to be but it will have to be a transition job, until I can get into the field I want. Until then, I sit here twiddling my thumbs.

Enjoying my time off

2007-07-30T12:52:00.001-07:00

I left my job last week. I have another job lined up but I wont be starting until next week at the earliest, but possibly not until later in the month. They've done a whole background check. I've never worked for a company that did that before, and I think it's great. I can't start until that comes back.
Meanwhile, I've been a little bored but I am enjoying my time off with my daughter. It's been fun. In the past two weeks she's learned to crawl, and is now pulling up to stand. It just seems odd to see her standing and playing at her learning table, and she got herself like that. She now walks with me holding her hands. It's so sweet and adorable. My little baby is growing so fast. She's also been learning how to use the spoon herself, which she loves. She's getting to be an independant little girl, and she's all over the house!

Growing up

2007-07-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

Today was Lexi's nine month check up. She's doing really well. It makes me feel really good to hear them tell me how perfectly healthy she is. She was totally not impressed with the finger prick. She had a delayed reaction and then was mad mad mad! She did better with the two shots she received. Her doctor said her heart murmur is very minor. It's barely a grade one on a scale to 6, so we've got nothing to worry about. She's gotten so big. I've added her current stats to her baby book, here is how she's grown:

Birth, 16lbs 8oz, 19 1/4"

1 Month, 7lbs 1 oz, 21"

2 Months, 10lbs 14oz, 23"

4 Months, 14lbs 8 1/2 oz, 25"

6 Months, 16lbs 11oz, 26"

9 Months, 18lbs 1.5 oz, 28 1/4"

Vacation... what's that?

2007-07-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

I think most people know that mom's don't get vacations. Our family vacation was nice, althought super busy for me. Vacationing with a husband and four kids is surely a lot of work. I really enjoyed our cottage we stayed at. Although it wasn't the vacatoin of my dreams it was somewhat relaxing. Steve and the kids were at the pool, and Lexi napping in the cottage. I got to enjoy the sun reading my book on our private deck.
The kids had a blast at the theme park. Lexi enjoyed her first carosel ride and I too enjoyed some of the rides with the kids.

I do have to say, I value the fact that I am a working mom. I love my dear sweet baby, but as sad as it is, I couldn't wait to get away for just a little while! She's been as cranky as cranky gets. I'm telling you right now she is advanced for her age. Why you ask? She is going though her terrible two's at nine months old. Complete with temper tantrums and whining. She insists on crawling under my desk to play with the cord, and gets terribly angry when you remove her from this dangerous situation. So angry that she'll lay on the floor and thrash her body around, typical tantrum style. Her teething has also added to her crankiness. Her bottom two teeth came in, and now the upper two teeth are coming in. One has barley poked through the skin and its seems as though its driving her mad. She did reward me yesterday with a pleasant attitude. We also left her with her Grammy for the evening so we could have a date. It was nice and very much needed.

Life flashes before me

2007-07-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look at Lexi and her whole life flashes before me. From beginning to wherever she will be in the future. I picture her in my mind at two years old. What will she look like, and what will her personality be? I picture her as having light brown hair, probably in braids or something. I'm not much of a fan of pig tails so I can't imagine myself putting her hair up like that. She's got on some cute little outfit and she's full of energy. She's got this squeaky little girl voice that I often hear other little girls talking in.
Then shes, six, or 10, and 16. I'm watching her grow in my minds eye. Someday I hope she'll be a strong, intelligent, beautiful, successful woman. I hope that I can guide her to be the person she wants to be.

A nice weekend

2007-07-09T06:16:00.000-07:00

This weekend we took the kids for a short ride on the Songo River Queen.
It is a replica of the Mississippi River Stern Paddle Wheelers.

The kids enjoyed themselves. Each kid on the boat got a chance to drive it, and they received a button pin that read: "I Drove the Songo River Queen"

Later we ate lunch at the cafe across the street. All the kids meals were served with a Frisbee, which was a big hit. All of the kids were very well behaved, and it was a beautiful summer day in Maine.

If I had a fork

2007-06-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

I'd stick it in my eye...

I'm so so so bored. Things will even out soon.
I had a job interview last week and I desperately want that job!! It sounds like something I would be totally interested in and is a great company to work for. They're wrapping up interviews by the second week of July. With so many candidates I've got to wonder what my chances are but I am trying to stay positive. The interview went really well in my eyes, and I thought the hiring manager seemed impressed with my skills.

I'm currently training a new employee to take over my position. She is doing fairly well and now I am stuck with no work to do. I give her the work, show her how to do it and she does it. Which makes my days here soooo long. I do not have a set day as to when I am leaving, just at some point in the near future once I find a new job.

I have had a few interviews. The selection is scarce. There are quite a few jobs in the line of work that I am already in; however, I can't fathom doing yet another accounting job. It was never the right fit for me, at the time I took this job because I needed the money. I got stuck here because of the flexibility.

Interviews are fun. Some of them anyway, some of them though, are from hell.
I met with a doctor this week, who was looking for an Executive Secretary. The job sounded rather nice, the pay was very nice, however, the guy gave me the creeps. First I had done some research on him and I didn't really like what I came up with. I'll just keep that to myself... and the doc shall not be named here in my blog.
Secondly I get there, and the guys appearance just does not look clean to me. He kept asking me why I was leaving my job, didn't believe me, my answer wasn't good enough. He kept saying something was fishy. He was really really rude. Then he asks me if I have kids and proper daycare. In the State of Maine it is illegal to ask any type of personal questions such as that. That can be considered discrimination. THEN he asks me if everything ok with my marriage!!
I said, now why would you ask me that. He replies "I just need to make sure nothing will interfer with your work."
At the end of the interview he offers me the job. He wants me to start right away and I can not. I haven't called him back yet. I wont take the job because he gives me the creeps, but I'm afraid I'll get desperate and take it for at least a short time.
Who knows, still keeping my fingers crossed for the job that I want!

Thoughts of a busy mom

2007-06-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

Is what I should change my title too... yet what mom isn't busy.

Well what's been going on with me you ask?
One project, hubby is working on the bathroom. He took a week off from work and gutted it and we're starting fresh. We have a very very small bathroom. It couldn't get any smaller. We fit a stall shower (a little larger than the standard stall) a pedestal sink, and a toilet. Yep that's it. Yet it has taken an entire flippin week, and it's still not done. Seems as though there was issue after issue. We do have a toilet and a shower. He still needs to put a wall up and finish the tilling and then we can paint. It's been tourture on me. I can not stand to have stuff out of place in my house, and not only was my bathroom torn apart, but my kitchen became the make shift work shop, with pieces of pipes on the counter, drills, hammers, pliers, argh! And the dust could not get any worse. This whole week I've felt like my life has been in total chaos, and I've been feeling so bad for my poor dear hubby. This has been so much work, and stuff continues to go wrong. This leaks, or the hole drilled is to small, or there isn't enough room. Blah!

I'm in process of finding a new job. Yes it is finally time to cut ties with this place. Oh it's rather bittersweet to move one. There are a few good points to being here, like daily lunch with Lexi and Steve, and the flexibility that I get. But it is time to move on. I really wasn't cut out for this type of work, and it is not enough to keep my mind occupied. Just another boring number after another. Please keep your fingers crossed that my interview goes well tomorrow!

Finally, the mysterious tooth, I do believe has appeared! The tooth has broken through the skin, we just are waiting for it to sprout up over the gum line. My baby is growing. She was 8 months old last week, just a few short months and she'll be a whole year old. It makes me so sad, I will miss her baby stages, (well most of them!)

Catchup

2007-06-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I've either been busy, or I've had nothing to say. Or probably a little of both actually. Things have been quite busy. Last week the entire family was sick. I do believe it was caused by Rotavirus. The poor baby started it. Where she got it I have no clue. The only thing I can guess is from a changing table at the mall. I put a blanket down on the table, but I have no idea where else she would get it. The virus quickly made it's way throughout our entire household and has spread on to the in law's as well as the older kids. It was terrible, I think we all thought we were going to die for a period of 3 or 4 days. We all managed to lose some weight though. HA!
Lexi is doing pretty well. Now that she is feeling better she is eating like a darn pig. She loves food. Who can blame her right. I cut up chicken the other night and she ate that, she also has tried stuffing, which she loved, mashed potatoes, and avocado. She's is also quite pleased with oatmeal now.
Lexi enjoyed her first dip in her baby pool this weekend.

She was quite pleased with herself. When she was born I thought she would never ever like the water. She was terrified in the bath. Now not only does she enjoy her bath, but she likes to just hang out in her little pool splashing about and chewing on her toys.

I'm very happy that the summer season is here, although it is in fact raining this week. The weeks to come will be nice. We have our family vacation planned in July and I am looking forward to that. Hopefully Lexi, and the other kids too, will not give us a hard time.

These are the moments

2007-05-18T07:00:00.001-07:00

It's moments like these that make me realize just how much I love her. I could not possibly love another human being more than I love my dear sweet daughter.

Coming home from work for lunch. She stand in her walker in the kitchen. As I open the door and she sees me her arms go up and she moves quickly toward me with her mouth open for kisses. Moments like these when you feel wanted, loved and needed.

Saying good by in the morning and giving her to Grammy. Grammy put's her arms out and she turns and puts her face on my chest. She wants me, she needs me.

At night, when she's upset. I may be upset with her for not sleeping, but when she cries the moment I go into her room and see her in her crib, she stops because everything is all better because mommy is here.

These are the moments that I never want to forget, that I never will forget.

10 Songs That Make You Sad

2007-05-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

For lack of anything else to write about write now, here is my shot at a Meme found here

10 Songs that make me sad

Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley & Alison Krause
Tears In Heaven - Eric Clapton
No One Knows - Kevin Sharp
I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan
If Nobody Believed - Joe Nichols
Love Without End, Amen - George Straight (not really classified as a sad song, just makes me think of my relationship with my dad, and makes me sappy sad)
When I Call Your Name - Vince Gill
November Rain - Guns N' Roses
Hello Darlin' - Conway Twitty
He Stopped Loving Her Today - George Jones

Nightime thoughts

2007-05-09T06:58:00.000-07:00

I always do my best blogging at night just before I'm about to fall asleep. I lay there and I dream up a story to tell myself. I get really into the details thinking about how interesting of a story it is and how imaginative I can be at those times.

Last night I lied awake. There was a warm breeze so I opened the bedroom window. The wind was softly blowing our curtains and the air smelled of this muddy springlike smell, with a hint of blooming flowers. The moon cast a soft white color over the backyard and I could hear the stream in our backyard flowing and the frogs chirping. In the distance there was the sound of the train. It's horn blowing through the intersections and the sound of it clinking along though the tracks.
All of this reminded me of my first apartment I lived in alone. Right after my divorce I moved into this town. It was a small and cute apartment with an upstairs bedroom. The first night I was there I lied in my bed awake, much like last night. I remember the air conditioner was running in the window just above my bed, and I could see the street light from the window. When I moved there I had no idea how close the train was. It was about 4am, when I realized the train tracks ran right though the backyard of the apartment building. It took some getting used to, but I much prefer to hear the train off in the distance.

I was also thinking of my daughter last night. She's seven months old today. I was thinking how lucky I am to have her in my life, and how much joy she brings me. She makes me laugh every single day.

WalkAmerica 2007

2007-05-07T05:33:00.000-07:00

I participated in the March of Dimes annual Walk America this year. I intend on doing it every year with Lexi. We met up with some of our friends from playgroup and enjoyed the day. I raised a total of $365.00 for the March of Dimes and we really enjoyed the six mile walk. The day was beautiful, only a little brisk wind from time to time. Lexi was wonderfully behaved and even napped for a couple of miles. Afterward we all went to lunch and the babies were so cute sitting at the table together. It was such a nice day and a wonderful experience. I felt a sense of accomplishment and genuine happiness the feeling of doing something that has meaning.

Getting ready to start

There was a large crowd, great turnout.

Walking for Dimes

Monday, May 7, 2007

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Sunday was a great day for a walk as millions of people all over America came out to support the March of Dimes WalkAmerica. Above, hundreds head down Lewiston's Holland Street after the start from Central Maine Medical Center. This weekend's event raised approximately $55,000 toward WalkAmerica's goal of $90,000.

http://www.sunjournal.com/story/211077-3/LewistonAuburn/Walking_for_Dimes/

The sound of a mother

2007-05-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

"What are you doing?"
I stated in a stern tone as I'm watching Stephen hold the bathroom door to prevent Becca from coming out.
"Huh?"
"I'm just waiting for Becca to come out." He says.
"Well how is she going to come out if you're holding the door closed?" "Go play!"

It was at that very moment that I realized I've become a mother. Not just in the sense that I have stepchildren and I've given birth to a baby girl, but I actually sound like a mother now.
I've got the tone down correct, and I even say words my mother used to say. The reality hits and it just seems so weird to me sometimes. Me?! A parent? When did I really grow up?

How Motherhood Makes You Smarter

2007-05-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

To anyone that thinks somehow when you become a mother you become a moron, read this article.
How Motherhood Makes You Smarter

I appreciate this article because I can relate to it. When I first came back to work after have Lexi I was in a constant fog. I know that I felt stupid. I couldn't remember minor details of things that I used to be able to do with my eyes closed. I don't think motherhood makes anyone stupid. I know for a while I was just having a hard time being focused on motherhood, and my adult life. Now that six months have passed, things are a lot more clear and I know that I have learned so much more in these past six months, thank I have in a long time.

2007-05-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

If anyone would have ever told me how fast time flies when your a mom I would have never believed it.
I keep a video tape in my video recorder to record miscellaneous moments out of Lexi's life. I ran out of tape last night and downloaded it to the computer so that I could start over. It's titled Lexi: The First Six Months.
Looking over it I can not believe that my baby was that tiny. I mean she was so small and tiny and little and itty bitty. She was just a little peanut. Watching the video made me sad because I miss my little sleepy baby. It does make me happy though. In the video I captured, first smiles, and first coos, first laughs, and first walking in the walker. Soon I get to look forward to crawling, first real words, first steps, first birthday. My world is going to be forever filled with firsts and I love it.

Happy Anniversary

2007-04-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

It's our second anniversary!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Photo Friday: Before & After

2007-04-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

This weeks theme is before & after. The only thing I can come up with is, before Life with Lexi...

And Life with Lexi

No time for the internet

2007-04-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

The weather is much too nice to be sitting at the computer.
It's been well over six months since we've had nice weather in Maine, I can't help but spend all my time outside.
Lexi is thoroughly enjoying the weather as well. She gets some what panicked when a gust of warm wind blows across her face. She's never felt such a sensation but she is getting used to it. Saturday we went for a long walk and and she slept the entire time in her stroller, ah the life of napping outside. Yesterday Dad put a new screen door on the kitchen and we sat at on the patio for much of the day. Lexi's bouncer came out side so she could play too. She was also swinging on the swing set for the first time, which she loved very much. I pushed her and said weeee and she would laugh and laugh. I got to drive my car with the top down, and dad and I went on a very enjoyable motorcycle ride. It is odd being on a motorcycle not pregnant, I have so much more room now.

One sure sign of summer... my toenails are polished...

The Internet Makes Mommy Mean

2007-04-17T13:12:00.001-07:00

Message boards can bring out the worst in us.

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An article written by April Peveteaux address Online communities. Message boards can bring out the worst in us.

If you've ever belonged to an online community like IVillage, or babyzone, you know some of the women on these groups can be pretty harsh. I once belonged to an online expecting club which I liked very much, although every other week some new drama had appeared and group of women were arguing like school children. I'll admit, sometimes I would get involved, sometimes I wouldn't. It would depend on whether or not I had anything relevant to add. A lot of times I would defend someone whom I thought was right. Women would attack each other, and the attacks would become personal and even involve members of their family. Some women admittedly enjoy the drama. Apparently it brings excitement to their boring days, I am one of them, only I don't enjoy it when someone's feelings get hurt. It is one thing to disagree with someones opinion and have a heated debate it is another to get into a full out online brawl while insulting their loved ones.
I'm no longer part of the expecting club, I am however, part of a wonderful online community. We don't judge or criticize each other and when we have a problem with each other, we bring it up in a respectful adult manner. So my point, not all message boards are evil. I've meet some great friends online.

The thing about vacations

2007-04-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

I once read an article somewhere that said people have more health issues, due to stress and burn out because they are not taking their vacations.
I'm sure you must know how much work it is to go on vacation. I mean seriously. I think that I would be less stressed if I were not taking the next two days off from work. I'm not even going anywhere. I can't imagine trying to throw in planning a trip and all that.
I've spent the past 3 days trying to get stuff done that is usually done in five days. I still can't get caught up. I am going to be worried about an ongoing issue that is happening at work the entire two days I am gone. Then once I come back I will be so swamped for another couple of days just trying to get caught up. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

I am looking forward to spring because...

2007-04-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to answer this question for this weeks carnival at CHBM.
Once you view these pictures you will know the answer.

Yes, that's right it is snow. Snow in April, in Maine. How lovely. Not so much. We're also supposed to get another storm tomorrow night. Not fun, not fun at all.

Also I would love to be able to drive my new hot little car with the top down sometime time in the near future.

Oh and I would love to dress my beautiful little daughter in her summer clothes.

There you have it! Those are my reasons that I am looking forward to spring.

Six Month Well Check

2007-04-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

We had our six month well baby check today. I knew she was growing, she's made it to a whopping 16 pounds, 11 ounces. She is 26 inches tall, although probably more like 26 and a half because she would not for the life of her put her foot down. She was doing her baby situps like she does. Looking forward like she is reaching for her toes or something.
The doctor was quite impressed that she is sitting on her own so well, and says that she is super healthy. That gives me validation as a mother, validation that I just may be doing a good job keeping the kid not only alive, but healthy. She's only had one minor cold for her entire short life so far. When I decided not to breastfeed, I had lots of mothers and non mothers or hooligans telling me that this will be wrong with her and that will be wrong with her. She wont get my immunities and antibodies and she'll be sick all the time. So what do I say to that, HA. Pfft! Once again, nothing against breastfeeding, just not for me this time around.
So anyway, my little munchkin is growing strong and healthy. She'll start stage 2 foods now, and we may even give her some yogurt. Doctor said she'll likely be cutting a tooth soon, she said her gums have widened to make some room. Now she will not have to go until she is nine months old. She will appreciate that I am sure, since she'd prefer not to get the shots at all.

A half a year gone by

2007-04-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Alexandra

What do I even say, where do I even begin with this month letter? You are a half of a year old. You are six months old today. A lot happens in six months, so much so that I don't even know what to say about your accomplishments and developments. Your personality has bloomed so much over the past six months. When you were born, as with many newborns, you slept a lot. You didn't make much noise, except during diaper changes and you were so peaceful looking. Yet to me, you didn't seem like a real person. Yes it's true, for the first month of your life it was like you were a little creature, like a puppy I had gotten or something. I don't mean for that to sound bad, don't take it that way. What I mean is, it's amazing how much you have changed. Over the months, you began smiling, and cooing, and even a little giggle here or there.
You make all sorts of noises. Grunts, moans, screeches. You say babababa now, and you're starting to go mmmmm, I'm just waiting for mmmmmaaaa, but not yet. I fully intend on teaching you baby sign language, but we'll see how that goes. One of the other moms in playgroup taught her daughter, whose name happens to be Lexi, baby sign language and I can't wait to try it. What an easier way to communicate. She tells her mama when she's all done, or wants more, or is hungry or sleepy.
I've organized a playgroup for you. Every couple of weeks I get together with other moms with babies your age. This is important for several reasons. The big thing is your socialization. Since you are not in a daycare, you don't see many people outside our immediate family. You're doing much better with not being afraid of people now. You coo at the other babies and smile at the moms.
You are sitting up quite well now. Most of the time you do not fall over unless you grab your feet then you slowly topple to the side.
You are sleeping quite successfully in your own room now. I miss you in our room, but we still cuddle in the morning, as I hope we will always do.
We're getting ready to start stage 2 foods. You've made it though all of the stage 1 jars with much success. I've tried to give you oatmeal again, but you still do not like it. In fact you don't like cereal of any kind unless it's mixed with a fruit or veggie. Oh well, I can't blame you there, I've tasted it, and it's not yummy. Still no teeth yet. You don't need teeth yet, but we've been waiting and waiting. It seems like you've been teething for months and months. You drool, and chew, and fuss, fuss fuss. Then you have a good day, but still no tooth.
I'm looking forward to summer with you. I do hope that you like to go in the water. I think you are going to be so much fun, and I think you'll really enjoy being outside.

Breaking News; Big girl sleeps in own room

2007-04-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

It's official, as of 9:oo pm Eastern Standard Time, a big girl slept in her own room.
Great news right? Well mostly. Mommy had more of a hard time with it than Miss Lexi.
Before Lexi was born, I had every intention of her sleeping in her own crib, in her own room. Then once she arrived, I knew there was no parting with her. I felt like she needed me, and I needed her. I worry too much to have her in another room, out of my eyesight at just two days old. So we took the cradle that my dad gave to us and put it next to our bed. Most night Lexi would go to sleep with us in our bed. Sometime a few weeks into her life, I started putting her in her cradle after her night feeding. Once she started moving around more and more, I decided that the cradle was unsafe. Yet somehow I was not ready to put her in her crib in her room. So her crib came into our room. I love having her in there next to me, but I decided it was time.
She sleeps though the night, for the most part, and there was no longer a need to have her right next to my bed. She's becoming a big girl. Yesterday afternoon Dad cleaned out his guitars from her room, and dismantled her crib and put it back together in her room. As the hour drew closer and closer the more nervous I got. What kind of wacko was I? What is the big deal, the kid is just in the next room. I bathed her, fed her, swaddled her and carried her to her room. I put her in her crib and gave her the teddy bear, who I named Mimi for her, that had been collecting my smell, since I had it in our bed. I kissed her on the forehead and stood in her doorway for a minute before leaving the room.
When it was time for us to go to bed I was a little sad. I thought I would be happy. I thought It would be great for us to feel like a couple again. Hell we could even watch TV in bed if we wanted to. But all I wanted was my little baby. What a pansy I am. I felt like some mean mommy, making their baby sleep in her own room. I felt our room was so big, and there was this big void that needed to be filled. Dad offered for me to go sleep on the floor in the baby's room but I decided not to.
This morning, all is well. I was fine once I fell asleep. Lexi was fine. She didn't wake up several times crying for mommy, so I did sort of feel like she doesn't need me, shes a big girl and she can sleep by herself. But I know its just part of growing up.

A Letter to the Vending Machine Person

2007-03-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Vending Machine Person,

Are you just messing with me or what? As you may or may not know I have an addiction. My addiction is not one to drugs or alcohol but to chocolate. Oh for the love of chocolate, I would go leaps and bounds just to get my hands on some. I eat some form of chocolate every single day, in fact I truly believe that I could live on chocolate alone. So when I found Milkey Way's in your vending machine I was happy. I deposited my sixty cents and waited. The mechanical arm twisted and turned and down came my Milkey Way. The familiar kerplunk at the bottom told me that it was time to indulge. I reached in and unwrapped the yummy gooey candy bar that was calling my name. As you can see I LOVE Milkey Ways.

Several days pass and each day I make the trip down the hall for my afternoon Milkey Way. One day I arrive in the break room and notice there are no Milkey Ways. Hmm, well OK I'll just get the Butterfinger, not quite a good but better than nothing. Days and days go on and still you have not brought me a Milkey Way, so I continue eating the Butterfingers, until I find that yesterday there were no Butterfingers either. Now I was left with a choice of crackers, Twizzlers, Skittles, Chips, and oh wait, what's that over there. Cupcakes! Oooh even better. The chocolatey goodness of the cupcake with the cream filling. Couldn't get any better. So I spent the seventy five cents and I was happy.

Until today....

You have left me with nothing edible in there. What are you doing to me? No Milkey Way, no Butterfinger, no cupcakes! There is no good chocolate in there. Please help me, before I go over the edge. Please bring back the chocolate!

Sincerely,

The Chocolate Lady

WalkAmerica 2007

2007-03-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

This year's walk in a neighboring town is May 6th. I've organized a team and we are going to walk the walk this year!

Premature birth is the #1 cause of newborn death. It has reached epidemic proportions in the U.S., endangering the lives of more than half a million babies. And it's growing at an alarming rate. That's why we need you to participate in WalkAmerica.

Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives.

I was lucky to give birth to a healthy 39 weeker, but many people have experienced the heartache of a premature baby. You can help too. Find a walk in your area today! Or Sponsor Me.

My favorite hobbies

2007-03-27T12:55:00.001-07:00

This weeks carnival is about hobbies. My favorite hobby is photography. When I was a kid I always loved taking pictures. I remember my first camera, I don't even know what type of camera's those were back then. But it was pink and you stuck film in it that was shaped sort of like eye glasses without the legs. It took about twelve pictures at a time and you would have to crank it after each picture.

Then I got the Polaroid. What fun was that. Instant gratification for the impatient. No longer did I have to wait until my mom went to the grocery store to drop off my film, and then wait even longer for it to be developed, and then wait some more for my mom to go back to the store. I went through Polaroid film like crazy. I would arrange my Barbies, and Trolls and pose them for pictures. I would take picture after picture of our cat, always pleased with my results.

When my birth mother passed away and I was given a collection of her things, I saw that she was also a hobbiest photographer. It was nice to have something in common with a mother I've never met.

Nowadays my subject is Alexandra. I often dress her up and pose her for pictures.

I don't often get time to go out and take pictures of other things anymore, but I'll always love my photography.

Create Your Own!

Playgroup fun

2007-03-26T05:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend was our first playgroup meetup. It went very smoothly and I am so proud of myself for organizing this. About 8 out of 24 of my members attended which I thought was a very good turn out for the first meeting. Lexi was quite interested in all of the other babies, as shes never been around another baby before. We all sat on the floor and the babies played with their toys and cooed at each other. It was quite cute.
It is interesting being around other babies, and watching their little personalities and seeing how different everyone else is. Lexi is so loud and babbles all the time, while some of the others are quite and laid back. Lexi likes to be the center of attention already, which makes me worry about her toddler years. I keep telling myself with good parenting I will have a well behaved child no matter how strong of a personality she has.
One of the babies has the biggest cheeks, he's quite plump and a little younger than Lexi. His cry was so soft and gentle. Another baby fell asleep and napped right by where everyone was playing. Lexi of course wouldn't have any of that so-called-sleep. She got cranky so I put her in the sling and she fell asleep. When I tried transitioning her to the stroller she would carry on like I was going to kill her. All in all it was a great day. She was pretty well behaved. It was great to meet other moms with children Lexi's age. Everyone was so nice and friendly and I do hope that some long lasting friendships develop.

Oh for the love of carrots

2007-03-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

Photo Friday

Miss Lexi had carrots for dinner. When I was done feeding her I gave her the spoon. She had quite a good time playing with the spoon in the jar. She gets the idea that the spoon goes in her mouth, she is just not sure how to turn it. She also sat quietly during our dinner eating a teething cookie. The teething cookies are great and she loves them. She's such a big girl.

Thirty Things

2007-03-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my bosses birthday and some time ago she created a list of things she wants to do before she dies. One of those things is milk a cow. Sounds strange, well cause it is but anyway... I decided to take on my own type of list, and you should too. My list isn't going to be a before I die list because some of that may or may not change. So instead I am going to list thirty things I want to do, big or small, before I turn thirty. Then I will have 4 years to work on it. In no particular order...

Go to the top of the Empire State Building
See the Statue of Liberty
Go to Time's Square on New Years Eve
Go to Mardi Gras
Have more children, one maybe two
See the Pacific Ocean
Run a successful playgroup
Learn to drive a motorcycle
Learn to really drive a standard, not just on the highway when I don't have to shift, but drive it all by myself.
Take another continuing education course
Become more involved with my community
Go to a museum, an actually museum none of these so called museums that are here
Learn how to shoot a gun
Go to a real zoo (nothing is Maine is real, small so therefore it can not be real)
Drink expensive champagne
Redo boob job
Got over my fear of water
Go to a Broadway play, ok or off Broadway. Maybe just go to the theater in my own town.
Walk in a March of Dimes walk (or something like it)
Try skiing again
Pay off debt
Go white water rafting (in conjunction with #17)
Finish writing this list, that all I've got for now.

Battling Personalities

2007-03-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Alexandra,

One thing that you will learn about me is that I am pretty persistent. Sometimes I think I give up to easily but really I do not. I think that you and I may run into some battles as you are growing up, because I think you have the same personality as I do. Just as I am persistent you are even more so. I just spent two hours trying to get you down for your nap and I've just had to let you cry it out for the first time ever. I was ready to throw myself in incoming traffic but... I didn't. I stuck with it and now you are sleeping alone in your playpen. For how long I don't know.
You've been pretty dependant on your grandmother rocking you to sleep. If I would have given you to her I am sure you would have been out in minutes. She is your security blanket. I tried everything. Our normal routine of relaxing on the couch and then putting you down wasn't working. I fed you, I changed your diaper, I swaddled you. Nothing. So I rocked you, and you scream. I stand with you and you scream. I sit with you, you scream. I lay in our bed with you, you scream. So I figured if you were going to scream anyway you could do it in your playpen. I felt bad but it was that or I was gonna hurt you. Yes I'm sorry I was frustrated, and I let you cry it out. But you're fine. You'll wake up and you'll be just fine. It breaks my heart, you've got tears streaming down your face, you've got snot coming out your nose, you were in a full blown meltdown. All I wanted to do was comfort you but you just wouldn't stop.
You'll never remember that I let you cry it out, and I'm sure that not the last time I'll have to do it, but I wanted to write this right now so you know how terrible I felt today. I'm so annoyed with you, and your just a tiny little baby. It's not your fault, that I know. So I'm relaxing now, taking a deep breath and when you wake, I hope that you and I will both be in a better mood.

Random Thoughts of the Day

2007-03-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

Pet Peeve of the day: People who come to my office to give me paperwork and insist on setting it down in front of me, on TOP of what I am working on. Yes I have an inbox but somehow, people refuse to use it.

My Favorite time of the day: First thing in the morning after my shower. I go back upstairs to get dressed and Lexi and Dad are still sleeping. I crawl back into the warm bed and cuddle Lexi for just a few more moments before it is time to go.

Current Obsession: Green tea, with honey.

Lexi things

New thing: Lexi got her walker and loves it. Not because she likes walking, oh no. She only moves about an inch or so at a time and I don't think she even realizes she is moving it. She loves it because she can hang right onto the toy bar and put it in her mouth. She leaves a puddle on the tray. She is so pleased with her self she looks up at mom or dad and squeals with delight. Like "Look what I did!"

Current clothing size: Mostly 6-9 months. She has long arms and long legs, and her 3-6 month outfits are too short in the arms and legs.

Current diaper size: Switching to a size three today!

Favorite toy: Her hands. While she loves to throw her toys across the room, the one thing that wont get away from her is her hands. I love love love it when she gags herself. Mean maybe, but too funny.

Most annoying thing she does: Pinches my arm! When I'm carrying her, she pinches the back of my arm. I have a permanent bruise from her doing that. It' so hard not to get mad at her for it. When deep down inside you wanna pinch her back and say "there how do you like it, you little brat."

Strange funny thing: She can't tell the difference between a toy she can pick up and a picture, such as the pictures on her playmat. She scrapes and scrapes at it with her fingers trying to pick up the picture, its cute.

Sweetest thing: When she looks at me and touches my face. When she smiles at me when I've been gone for a while. When she nestles her face into my neck when it's time for sleep.

Month Five

2007-03-08T06:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Alexandra,

Tomorrow you will turn five months old. I can't believe that you have been in my life for five months. This morning there was an advertisement on TV for the flower show that your dad and I went to last year. I remembered being pregnant last year at this time, and I can't believe that you are here, my child.

You are no officially eating solid food. We tried before, about a month ago and you had zero interest. You would fuss and protest every time we tried so we decided to wait. Now you are doing pretty darn well with it. You are eating rice cereal in the morning and a fruit or veggie in the evening. You recently had pairs and you loved them. I couldn't get the spoon to your mouth fast enough for you. This morning I tried to give you oatmeal, but you gagged. I got scared that you were choking and panicked, so we stopped. Perhaps you just don't like oatmeal. I know I've never been a fan of the texture of it.

You are sitting up on your own, sometimes. You lean forward and support yourself with your hands. If you move you arms then you are sure to fall face flat. It's quite cute. I am amazed when I look at you. I remember when you couldn't grab toys, and now your shoving everything in that tiny mouth of yours. I can't wait until you are fully able to sit on your own, also when you are able to hold the bottle on your own. You can hold the bottle now, but you don't know enough to tip it up to get your milk, and you end up chewing on the nipple. I think you and I will both be happier when you can do some things on your own. You're starting to be so much fun. I love it when I can get you to really laugh out loud like the real baby that you are. Soon they'll be no stopping you.

If you don't like something...

2007-03-07T06:32:00.000-08:00

Than change it.

I've been in a sour mood lately. I'm going to change it. I mentioned before that I keep telling myself that I'm gonna be happy today and thats that, but usually that doesn't work out for me. I've realized that I'm never happy unless I have a project. Something to keep me occupied, something to keep me distracted and busy. Go to college, done. Get married, done. Have a baby, Done! So I guess I've hit a point where I'm like now what. What am I gonna do with myself besides work and family life, there has always got to be more for me.

I keep bitching that there is nothing to do in Maine, and there are no playgroups, so i've decided to start my own playgroup. Which let me tell you is completly out of character for me! I am not much of a people person, I've never been very good at making friends. But guess what, I'm doing it! I already have 15 members and I am so excited. I hope this gets off the ground and isn't a total flop. So I've immersed myself in promoting my group, finding members and now I'm in search of a location for our meetings. No more self pity, its time to do something.

The weekend is in the toilet

2007-03-05T06:32:00.000-08:00

I pretty much had a shitty weekend. We had house guests, the baby was fussy, the hubs was gone all day yesterday, the baby was fussy, oh and did I say the baby was fussy?
I took a couple of hours alone on Saturday to go get some artificial UV rays and hang out a wal-mart. I didn't need anything at wal-mart but I didn't want to go home either. The house was full, the baby wasn't in a good mood and I just wanted to run away. I know her fussing problems were probably just because of the change at home with all of our company and stuff but it was horrible. I feel like she doesn't like me. I'm so depressed. I think her grandmother has become a tool for her to take her naps. Her grandmother can rock her for five minutes and then set her down and shes fast asleep. Me, the second I sit in the rocking chair its like I'm torturing the kid. Steve says its because I get frustrated easily when she doesn't sleep, well yeah but I'm not frustrated the second I sit down.
I find myself not knowing what to do with her anymore. She plays here, she plays there, we sit here, we sit there. We talk and read and then we run out of activities and I just want my own space. I can't wait until she's older and can go play by herself.
I've been trying to change my mood, come out of the negativity, thinking maybe that would help, but I just can't yet. I wake up and tell myself this is going to be a good day. I'm not going to be depressed today, but that doesn't work.

Hiccuping baby

2007-02-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

Last night I was changing Lexi's diaper and she started hiccuping. I thought about how much she hiccups, and then I remembered how much she hiccuped when I was pregnant with her. At the beginning of my pregnancy I loved it, I thought it was so cute, but because it happened so much at the end of my pregnancy I was tired of it. It drove me nuts because I could feel every single movement. Watching her hiccup last night made me long for that feeling again. I think about being pregnant all the time, but I wonder if I could handle it. I haven't quite adjusted to be a mother yet, I can't imagine what life would be like with too. And I love Lexi so much, I don't want my bond with her to be less of a bond. I like the idea of her being my only child sometimes, but other times that makes me sad. I guess I am still undecided. While I want more children, I'm still not so sure about it.

Weekend Rambles

2007-02-26T06:30:00.000-08:00

So I've pretty much had a shitty weekend. I didn't go to work on Friday because of a toothache. Yes that's right a toothache. I couldn't sleep at all on Thursday because of the pain and I ended up with a migraine because of it. So I went to the dentist and I'm told that I have an abscessed tooth. I can have a root canal which will cost me a butt load or I can just have the tooth pulled. It's the last tooth on the bottom so screw it, I'm getting it pulled. I'm terrified though. I'm doing it with just local anaesthetic and not going to sleep. I've had teeth pulled before but I was asleep so I'm totally freaking out. That wont get done until tomorrow, so until then I've been suffering with this throbbing pain in my jaw and ear.

Lexi had a crappy weekend too. I decided to try not to swaddle her anymore and that didn't go over well. She woke up almost every hour for a while until finally going off to sleep at 1 am, and sleeping until 4. I gave up and swaddled her last night. I don't get it. It's not like I swaddle her arms anymore, I only wrap it around her body. It seems to be a security thing for her. There's no harm in wrapping her I guess, Its not restricting her in any way. On a good note, she finally rolled over from tummy to back yesterday. I was so excited I cheered and clapped and I had her do it again, and cheered and clapped again. She looked at me like I was an idiot, but I'm happy she's making progress into becoming more mobile. I'm sure once shes moving about I will wish that she wasn't.

You can go back to childhood for one day...

2007-02-22T06:30:00.000-08:00

What day and age will you choose?

This one has really made me think. I can't think of any one spectacular day as a child. Nothing jumps out as the best day of my life during those times or anything like that.
I think I would have to pick a day that I was being a total brat, and go back and not be.

Family portrait day. My mother, father and my sister. I was five or six years old and we were at a portrait studio. I don't remember exactly what happened but for some reason someone made me angry and I decided not to smile for the picture. In fact it was several pictures. One with us as a whole family and one of just my sister and I. Not once that entire day did I smile. I must have made my mother feel like shit. I must have embarrassed her. I know that she was able to look back on it and laugh about it, but I will still change this day, just so that my mothers feelings wouldn't be hurt.

Right now I feel...

2007-02-21T06:29:00.000-08:00

Like writing but I haven't got a damn thing to say. I could babble on about how depressed I am ect, ect, but who was to read that crap. Oh well ...

I've actually having a fairly good day today, which is much much better than the other day I had. I wonder if I have PPD most days. But it seems to come and go like the wind. Some days I'm happy and I feel well. Others I feel like complete shit, and I am full of anger and rage, sadness and what not. Hubby man thinks I should talk to someone. I've never been able to do that. Whenever I'm depressed and a doctor or whatever asks me whats going on, I lie. Why I haven't a clue, it just comes out. I like I say, great, when they're not so much. Most of me believes whatever it is I should just get over it already, jeez stop dwelling and being so damn negative and be fucking happy. Whats there to be sad about. Maybe it's not PPD, maybe its just pure anger. Why am I so angry. I'm 25 and I've got a wrinkle between my brows from keeping them furrowed all the time.

The other night I was so frustrated because I couldn't get the baby to go to sleep. I can't handle frustration very well and my head becomes all cloudy. Today that I am clear I can't seem to see what the big deal was, why can't I handle it.
During the midst of my frustration I had to put her down and shake myself because I was afraid I was going to shake her. My stress and anxiety levels were so high I don't think I could even see straight. Better today though, much much better. Maybe the herbs I'm taking have finally kicked in, I don't know.

I'm desperately trying to find a work at home job. I've become obsessed with visiting forums and researching leads that I can't get anything done in my current job. I want to blog, and I want to visit the message boards but I can't pull myself away from job researching. I'm tired. I'd love to crawl into bed right now and sleep.

Valentines Day: Behind The Scenes

2007-02-14T06:29:00.000-08:00

My husband enjoyes history and is often teaching me the origion of holidays and certian events in our culture. The following is curtesoy of the hubs.

In accent Rome a Pagan festival, called Februatioa of which the month February is named after, celebrated a she-wolf, the mythological foster mother of the Rome's founding twins Romulus and Remus. The religious ceremonies were directed by the Luperci, the "brothers of the wolf (lupus)" on February 15th.

The festival began with the sacrifice of two male goats and a dog. Next, two young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practiced at the festival. The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, and ran round the walls of the old Palatine city, striking the people who crowded near with thongs. Girls and young women would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. This was supposed to ensure fertility, prevent sterility in women and ease the pains of childbirth. This tradition itself survives today (Christianized, and shifted to Spring) in certain ritual Easter Monday whippings.

This Festival survived until 494AD, when it was changed by Pope Gelasius into the feast of the Purification of the Virgin (then on February 14, now on February 2). And in 496AD the Pope declared February 14 th the feast of St. Valentine.

The first recorded association of Valentine's Day with romantic love is in Parlement of Foules by Geoffrey Chaucer in 1382 (also referring to the term lovebirds) :

For this was on saint Valentines Day
When every bird comyth there to chose his mate.

This poem was written to honor the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia. A treaty providing for a marriage was signed on May 2, 1381. On the liturgical calendar, May 2 is the saints' day for Valentine of Genoa however; readers incorrectly assumed the poet was referring to February 14 as Valentine's Day.

The earliest known to exist valentine dates from 1415 and is a poem written by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife. It is probable that the various legends about St. Valentine were also invented during this period. Among these legends:

On the evening before Valentine was to be martyred for being a Christian, he passed a love note to his jailer's daughter that read, "From your Valentine."
During a ban on marriages of Roman soldiers by the Emperor Claudius II, St. Valentine secretly helped arrange marriages.

Valentines were brought to America in the 19th century by British settlers and in 1847 Esther Howland introduced the first mass-produced valentines of embossed paper lace. In the second half of the 20th century, the practice of exchanging cards was extended to all manners of gifts typically including roses and chocolates.

In 1969, as part of a larger effort to pare down the number of saint days of purely legendary origin, the Church removed St. Valentine's Day as an official holiday from its calendar. February 14 is now dedicated only to Saint Cyril and Saint Methodius.
In the 1980s, the diamond industry began to promote Valentine's Day as an occasion for giving jewelry and, since 2001; the Greeting Card Association has been giving an annual "Esther Howland Award for a Greeting Card Visionary."

Routine Review

2007-02-12T06:28:00.000-08:00

A phrase that is often repeated in Dr. Sears' book is, "If you resent your parenting style, then change it."
I haven't been happy with the way some things are going, so I"vie set out to make some modifications. I picked up Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. I got it yesterday and I've read up to chapter four. Seems as though my baby falls into the Touchy and Spirited categories. Who didn't know that one. Now like I've said, I've only made it to chapter four, but so far everything I've read is plain common sense. I find myself thinking, yep, uh huh, gotcha. Tracy Hogg stresses giving your baby a structured routine. Starting with eating, activity and then sleep. Being the type of person that I am routine has always been very important to me. I must say although I am a fan of attachment parenting, and I do follow most of its theories, I've always had this routine with the baby. Like Tracy states in her book, it's important to be flexible and still have a routine.
She goes on to tell you how to decipher each cry your baby makes. Well that in itself wasn't much help for me either. Because of our routine and the fact that I already know my baby, I already understand her cries, and or grunts. I know when she overtired and I know when she is hungry.
Much of this book talks about early infancy, so maybe I should have picked it up right away, but I haven't yet learned anything that I wouldn't have learned on my own anyway. Parenting is challenging. Yep. It takes time to get to know your baby.
I was quite irritated with her in this book throughout much of what I've read so far. She keeps making references to attachment parenting that makes me want to hit her. I guess she thinks AP is all about zero structure, and zero routine. Far from it, in my opinion. One reference she made was that if you follow an AP kind of life style then your household is chaos. I've gotta say bullshit to that, when she says hogwash to meeting the needs of your child. Then in the next sentence she goes on to say each baby is different and do what works for your. I guess I may be a little biased. I know she advocates a middle of the road approach but it seems a little like she's all over the place.
All in all I think I've always followed some for of both methods, Attachment Parenting and the Baby Whisperer methods. I picked up the book because I need help with nap time. I have no problem getting her to go to sleep at night after her bath, but nap time is a challenge. Maybe my opinions will change after I get though that chapter, but at least I'm giving it a shot.

Oh, and on an unrelated note to this book, she SLEPT THOUGH THE NIGHT!! Last night, she slept from 9:30 to 5:30 wooo friggin hooo!!!

Happy Four Months

2007-02-09T06:27:00.000-08:00

Four Months ago today, my sweet little peanut was born.

Growing and growing...

5 Weeks

8 Weeks

Three Months

Four Months!!

Getting caught up in daydreams...

2007-02-07T06:18:00.000-08:00

...and I don't mean the kind where I am laying on a beach at some warm tropical location sipping a pina colada.

I think that I have some sort of warped sense of view on life, and that I view everything in a negative light, although I'm working on fixing that. My daydreams have been rather nightmareish and I get caught up and carried away by my thoughts.

When I begin to daydream, I am most often at work. I'm working and all of a sudden its like the world just stands still around me for a moment and I dream. My most often reoccurring daydream is that my mother-in-law is at home taking care of the baby. She's walking with her around the kitchen and falls to the floor and dies of a heart attack. Steve and I are at work and the baby is on the floor screaming, because she's been dropped and there is no one there to help her. She cries all morning because she's all alone. Steve and I get home and find his mother on the floor and the baby crying so hard she's not breathing. I pick her up and hold her, and she resents me for leaving her. We call 911, they come, we attend the funeral and life goes on.

All of this runs though my head in a matter of ten seconds maybe. Or at least I think that's how long it takes. When its over I stop and dwell on it. Could that have really happened? Is it a sign that it's going to happen? When its over I have this genuine fear washed over my body. I've got goosebumps and my eyes are watery and my heart is racing.

My mother always said I had an active imagination as a child, and while I've had daydreams before, I've never had daydreams that scare the living shit out of me like these do.

I also often have daydreams that Lexi had died in her crib of SIDS. I picture me finding her and going crazy. Now I know this is just my fears getting to me. I know that I do have an active imagination and I just need to talk myself out of it when I start having these thoughts. I need to convince myself that, that wont happen and that everything is fine.

Needless to say this has all got me more than concerned. I've done some research on daydreams, and I understand that it is normal. Positive daydreaming is healthy.

Daydream Themes
What you daydream about is indicative of what you may be
really feeling and reveal your unconscious thinking.
Disaster: When
you envision the worst-case scenario about a situation, you are experiencing a
disaster daydream. Such daydreams reflect your worries and fears. Next time you
start daydreaming about something terrible happening, imagine something positive
instead. Eventually you will train yourself not to
worry so much about whatever fears you keep imagining.

Look out for recurring themes: Daydreaming about the same thing repeatedly
is a good indication that you need to deal and confront the situation.

I just need to take a step back. I need to stop worrying so much. It's always been my personality to be an excessive worrier, but I'm getting carried away with this and it's really effecting my life. Trying to stay positive. Trying, trying.

Month Four

2007-02-05T06:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Alexandra,

Well this week on February 9th you will be Four months old. Yep, four whole months. You've been around forever.

I have found myself so sad that you are four months old. Well next think you know you'll be off to kindergarten the, high school and college, and you'll be having babies of your own. Ok so I'm getting a little carried away, but what else is new.

Some things have happened since I've last written to you. You have begun to laugh. It's amazing. Not just ha, like you were doing before, but hahahehe. It's so cute and the most precious sound I've ever heard, I almost cried when you first did it, in fact I am almost crying now thinking about it.

This weekend I packed away more of your cloths that don't fit, and I had to buy you new socks. Seems as though you have inherited my feet and they're pretty big. I've got you in size 6-12 month socks, because the 0-6 are too tight for you fat little feet. Still the cutest feet in the world, but fat.

You are not sleeping though the night yet, but you are very close. Last night you didn't even need to get into our bed to cuddle and this made me a little sad. Four months old and you're a big girl who can sleep in her crib all by herself.

You're doing much better with your baths. Last night I caught you smiling at me while I was washing your hair. I knew you'd come around, just took lots of time is all.

You're also doing slightly better in the car now. We have gone some where a couple times now without me having to ride in the back seat next to you. I bought you a mirror to look at, and when I turn around you can even see me.

I have started giving you cereal, and so far you're not impressed. You haven't learned how to use the spoon quite well yet, and are not swallowing what I put in your mouth.

I wonder if I'll feel sad always as you age. There are so many things to look forward too when you grow, yet so many things to miss. I will miss your tiny little self. But your chunky little self its adore able also. I will not miss your nightly screaming fits, but I will miss our quite together time in the middle of the night.

Dwindling Self Esteem

2007-01-31T06:16:00.000-08:00

Ever since the baby was born, well actually well before the baby was born my self esteem has been dwindling to almost nothing. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's hormones, maybe its whatever, but it's something. I used to think more highly of myself, now I have little to no confidence in myself, my parenting abilities, my abilities in the workforce, my entire outlook on myself is low. Why is this?

I find myself insecure in my marriage these days. I wonder if he still wants me the way he always has. Does he look differently at me now that I am a mother. Sex has lost it's appeal, and for this I feel guilty. I may have lost of of my pregnancy weight, I was very lucky and didn't get stretch marks. But I just don't look the same. I don't think I look bad, but I don't view myself as the same person either. That is a good thing, but it's also not so good. I view myself entirely as a mother these days, and not so much in the sex appeal department.

I have no confidence in how I am doing things. I take things really personally. Someone might roll their eyes at me, or suggest I do something differently with the baby, or make comments such as, well I never did that, or it should be done this way. Any there goes some more of my confidence in myself. My ability to perform and meet the expectations of the baby.

I know... I know...

Do what is right for you and your baby ignore the peanut gallery. Easier said than done, especially when I am already feeling a little sensitive.

I have no confidence in my abilities to do my job. Again I take everything personally and I am a little to sensitive these days. Make a mistake and people breath down your neck and watch your every move. Maybe one should just do things for themselves and they wouldn't have to worry about whether or not someone else messes it up.

I applied for another job, working for a person that I knew, not on a friendly basis, but knew from the town, and I haven't heard back. I thought I was a total shoe in for the position, especially since the hiring official seemed to like me so much. Guess it was just more false friendliness

Clearly I'm down on myself today. I'm trying, and I know it will get better, just one of those days. Thank the Internet for the blog.

The Ever Changing Baby

2007-01-30T06:16:00.000-08:00

Lexi has acquired a new skill, and it is screaming. Her new nick name is
screech. She's not screaming out of anger or sadness, just yelling a the top of
her lungs because she can. She loves it. She'll squeal and screech and giggle.
It was cute at first, now it's getting a tad old. Especially when trying to
watch TV.

She's getting much better at playing with her toys. She loves
her playmat now. She seems to favor the parrot, maybe its because his feathers
make this crinkly noise when she grabs at it. She swats at the elephant and
yells at him he she can not catch him.

She enjoys her new Baby Einstein
jumper. She'll spend twenty minutes or so in it talking to herself in the
mirror, or swatting at the different shapes and do dads.

We've
introduced her to her first Baby Einstein video. Last night we watched Baby
Bach, which see seemed to enjoy. All the flashy colors and different shapes
moving about kept her interest for at least twenty minutes.

She doesn't
cry much anymore, unless she is over tired. Most of her communication is
screeches, squeals and grunts. I've got to learn all over again what it is she
wants and which grunt means what.

Bath time is no longer as torturous as
it used to be. She will only cry for a second or two when her butt first hits
the water, and then she'll sit patiently while mum washes her. Once she even
cracked a smile, and then she realized that I noticed so she went back to
pouting.

The weather is cold, so we do not go outside much. The other day
when it was below zero we had to go shopping and we put her in her snow suit.
She looked like the abominable baby.

She still does not enjoy tummy
time very much, and is still not rolling over. She's changing so much every day,
don't blink or you might miss something.

Friendships

2007-01-29T06:15:00.000-08:00

Some friendships are better left in the toilet. I guess I wonder why people need friendships. It is good to have a friendship outside your marriage, but what it the friendship is more toxic than helping. Then what do you do? To me, friendships are a lot of work. It's like having two marriages only you don't live with the friend, or in some cases I guess you would. I guess if I met the right person then the friendship wouldn't be so much work. It should just flow and your lives should just mesh nicely together. It seems like I'm not in the right place or aligned correctly with anyone. Everyone that I've enjoyed company with, and felt I had a true friendship with has turned out to be more effort than the rewards received.
If I take a moment to reflect back on my friendships, I could go way back but I'd be writing forever.
We'll start with my childhood friend. There was never really anything wrong with this friendship. We grew up living on the same road and became friends when I was five and she was six. We sat on the bus together everyday and were at each others house always. Then she went to high school and I was stuck a year behind her. We lost touch. We've since reunited a couple of times, but have been unable to maintain a friendship. Things didn't work out. She had children before I did. Lives a couple of towns away, doesn't have her own transportation. It's a lot that adds up to making this situation a difficult one.

Then there's the two girls from a previous job. What ever happened to them? We used to get together once a week, and then once a month, and now I haven't heard from either of them in six months. I don't know what happened. We all got caught up in the ins and outs of the day to day grind and never kept in contact. I felt like I was the only one calling and emailing and I got really tired of never hearing back.

Then there's my best friend, whom I've had since we were in seventh grade. We were so close during that time and then we went to high school... a boy got in between another friend of ours and I, and she took the other friends side. We reunited several years later, were like two peas in a pod again, then I did something awful to her. We both moved away and ended up moving to the same town. Almost as though we were meant to be friends, not only did we live in the same down, but a quarter mile away from each other. All was forgiven and we are still friends. This one is a hard relationship that I am hoping will work out. I'm hoping we can get our lives realigned. She works full time, and is a full time college student. I work full time and I have a new baby. It's hard to keep in touch even when you are so close.

There's the one that fights all the time. The most recent, that has prompted this thought process by me. We became friends when I got my first job when I was sixteen. She introduced me to a lot, namely my ex husband. She and I lived together for a while and were really close but we used to fight like cats and dogs. I got married, she got married, had a couple kids and she moved a few towns away. It was really difficult to keep in touch, again with the different places in our lives. Recently I found her and emailed her, and well I remember why I should have left that friendship in the toilet. Right from the get go we're in a fight. She's mad about my split with my ex husband. Doesn't like my new husband even though she doesn't know him. She's opinionated and judgemental. I guess she is too much like me, we are both stubborn and opinionated.

Why is it so difficult to find and maintain friendships. I've had so many rewarding friendships. It's sad when things don't work out. I genuinely miss my old friends. Sometimes I wish I was still five and playing cabbage patch kids with the neighbor girl.

What I've Learned From Blogging

2007-01-26T06:14:00.000-08:00

The imaginative projection into an other's feelings, a state of total identification
with an other's
situation, condition, and thoughts. The action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and
experience of another of either the past or present without explicitly
articulating these feelings.

So is it a virtue, a gift or a curse. I'm not sure which. Maybe I am extra hormonal but lately I find myself with so much empathy for others and their situations. When someone is sad, I feel sad for them. When someone gets their feelings hurt, or there is a possibility that their feelings will be hurt, then I feel sad.

I'm not sure where all this comes from, I guess I am just becoming more sensitive. Maybe I've had my fair share of feelings hurt. I have to thank a certain someone in my life for behaving the way she does. She makes me want to not be like her. She talks down to people, is rude and is always hurting someones feelings. I never want to make anyone feel the way she sometimes makes me feel.

I think part of it is being a mother. I see certain situations when someone is being made fun of or going though a tough time, and I think, what if that were my daughter? I never want my daughter to have her feelings hurt like that. I know I can't keep her in a tiny little bubble her whole life, and her feelings will get hurt. I know it is my job to help her deal with those feelings. I guess my point is, the old adage,

Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

Don't hurt someones feelings unless you expect your to be hurt.

Empathy

2007-01-26T06:13:00.000-08:00

The imaginative projection into an other's feelings, a state of total identification
with an other's
situation, condition, and thoughts. The action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and
experience of another of either the past or present without explicitly
articulating these feelings.

Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

Don't hurt someones feelings unless you expect your to be hurt.

Mothering through the generations

2007-01-24T06:12:00.000-08:00

I wonder what life will be like for my daughter when she is my age.

When my mother was growing up in the forties and fifties life was much different than it is today. I wish I could ask her what it was like when she was a kid. I know that she grew up on a farm with ten, or maybe eleven siblings. There was no going out to eat, there was no going to the mall, or shopping for frivolous items. They lived off the land and produced their own food, and made their own cloths. They each had their chores. I can remember my mother telling me that she wasn't a kitchen girl. She was pappy's girl. She left school in the eighth grade and went and helped my grandfather cut wood every day. She once told me that she never miss behaved due to the fact that she was afraid of her father. She said her mother used to threaten her with the words "Wait until your father gets home."

That is once thing that was carried onto the next generation while she was raising me. I was such a clown, and I was a spoiled rotten brat. I would act up and my mother would say "Wait until your father gets home." Although she knew that, that didn't scare me at all. My father is such a gentle soul. He never raised his voice, he never spanked. It was my mother that I was afraid of. I quickly learned to stop doing whatever it was I was doing whenever I got "The look."
Life was much more easy for me I think growing up. We did not live on a farm. We often went out to dinner, my mother bought me dolls, and cloths and we had color cable television and a VCR.

Now here I am raising a daughter of my own. What will her childhood years be like? With such a drastic difference between my mothers childhood and mine, will there be a difference between mine and my daughters? What will she have to look forward to? What will she have to accomplish?
The Speaker of The House is a woman, for the first time. There is a woman running for president in her lifetime, maybe there will be a woman elected president. I think that we will find that women take on a whole new roll. What will this mean for my daughter, and for me, and for her children to come. Raising her will be a journey, one filled with both laughter and sadness, but certainly lots of love, as I received from my mother and as she received from hers.

Profile of a high need baby

2007-01-16T06:12:00.000-08:00

Taken from Dr. Sears' The Fussy Baby Book.

1. Intense
2. Hyperactive
3. Draining
4. Feeds Frequently
5. Demanding
6. Awakens Frequently
7. Unpredictable
9. Supersensitive
10. Unable to be put down
11. Not a Self Soother
12. Separation Sensitive

For the most part my dear sweet baby is all of these. It is important for me to remember that these traits aren't necessarily negative.

Many mothers seem to have an internal energy gauge that magically brings in more
fuel just as the tank nears empty. There will be days of incessant holding with
no breaks. But just when you feel you can't cope with another day of giving, you
get a second wind, and suddenly you can relax and enjoy your baby's unique
personality blooming. It's as if baby senses mother's breaking point and backs
off a bit. There probably won't be any days off, but some days will be less
difficult than others.

This is true for us. Sometimes I just want to scream and cry because I am getting so frustrated. Then I remind myself that she is just a baby and she is not purposely trying to aggravate me. Then she smiles at me and the sun shines again.

High need babies don't just merely request feeding and holding, they demand it
-- loudly. This feature more than any of the others pushes parents' buttons,
causing them to feel manipulated and controlled. Adults who are stuck in the
"parenting equals control" mindset may have great difficulty realizing that
babies' demands equal communication, not control.

I think it is the fear of being manipulated and controlled that makes me feel like I am doing wrong. I've got society telling me. Don't pick her up right away when she cries she's going to be spoiled. You've got to feed her on a schedule, you've got to be in control. When really what I should be listening to is my own mothering instinct. Life is much more pleasant when I go with the flow. Baby knows what she needs and when she needs it.

The quality of wanting people instead of things as pacifiers, while initially
exhausting, will eventually work to the child's advantage. The child will have a
better grasp on interpersonal relationships, especially being comfortable with
the quality of intimacy.

Here is a positive aspect of having a high need baby. I do think she is going to be full of energy and challenging while growing up, but I also think we will be rewarded with a wonderfully sensitive and happy young lady.

I think she was brought into my life to teach me. She makes everything unpredictable for me. I think she is going to teach me patience, love, understanding and how to go with the flow. I'm grateful for my high need baby.

I'm enjoying this book. While it may not be helping me find the answers. It's teaching me that there isn't always a cut and dry answer for everything. Especially babies. It is helping me to understand why she behaves the way she does and why I feel the way I feel.

Parenting a high need baby

2007-01-15T06:11:00.000-08:00

Most of us enter parenthood expecting to be in control of our baby, or at leas tin charge. You expect the baby to respond to you, to follow your lead. You call the shots. You set the daily routine. You determine where baby sleeps and when baby is in your arms or in her crib. Now you find yourself losing control - of yourself and your baby. You discover it's a myth that good parents are in control - or you wonder if perhaps you are not a good parent.

When I read that paragraph in Dr. Sears' The Fussy Baby Book it was like a light bulb turn on in my mind. Ah ha, exactly this is why I have no patience. I have to let go... just let go Julie. Being a type A personality I feel like I need to control everything. So how do I become a better parent. Well learn patience, obviously right? Easier said than done.

I find myself believing that I am not a good mother. How could I possibly be a good mother when I can not control my frustration? I get so tense because she wont sleep. I tried putting her down awake and that was torture on all of us. I know I've got to do what works for us. She needs to be held so I'll hold her. But it would be so much eaiser if I could just sit down. My back hurts, my legs hurt I am sick to death of pacing around the kitchen. It's too cold to go outside, can't go for a car ride, God forbid I try to set her down or put her in the once loved swing. She does not like to sleep. She prefers to be awake even though she is so desperately tired. She fights and fights. Sometimes I can't even wear her in the sling when that used to be the ultimate "happy place." I know she feels my frustration, I know that I need to relax and learn patience. If she's not following my schedule, so what. It's not the end of the world. So that is how I will be a better parent. I will relax, I will learn patience, I be positive. I will love my daughter.

Five Thing You Don't Know About Me

2007-01-10T06:10:00.000-08:00

This is kind of a though one for me to do. I am sure there are lots of things
you (my readers) don't know about me, but, do I want to tell you? And is it
interesting enough to read about? I am so not an interesting person. Here's my
attempt.

1. I still sleep with a teddy bear. He's white and his name is Mr. Winter. I
received him as a Christmas gift when I was young and haven't been able to part
with him yet. When the baby arrived I vowed to stop sleeping with the teddy
bear. I put him in the head board in one of the cabinets. Sometimes I wake up in
the night and he is in my arms. Either I've missed him and I took him out, or he
didn't like being in the cabinet and climbed out himself.

2. I've been married twice. I got married at nineteen, we had been together
since I was sixteen. It never really was love, just a friendship and the next
step was to get married.

3. I dropped out of high school at fifteen. My freshman year was great, met a
boy, fell in "love", we split my sophomore year, and suddenly my life was hell.
Ok.. when I say hell I mean hell to a fifteen year old. Suddenly I was out. No
longer part of the in crowd, and that made high school really hard. I got a job
and worked until I could afford to take the equivalency test. I took the test,
past and later went on to get my Associates Degree.

4. I am adopted. I know that's a known fact to some of you, but others don't
know it. I always knew I was adopted ever since I was a child and able to
understand it. When I was eighteen my biological mother passed away at the age
of forty.. Her obituary was in the newspaper and my parents found it. They had
listed me as one of her surviving children, well my given name at birth which
was Carrie. My parents, sister and fiancé had attended my biological mothers
funeral with me. There I met my grandmother, my five siblings, four brothers and
a sister. I found out my father lives in Tennessee and he also has two more
boys.

5. Two years ago I was convinced I never wanted kids. I guess I wasn't ready
to make the sacrifice. I didn't want to give up young me. I'm glad I grew up, or
I think I would have missed out on the most fulfilling thing in life.

Month Three

2007-01-09T06:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Alexandra,

You are three months old! I must say, who are you and what have you done with
my baby? For the past week or so you've changed so much, and you are acting so
different. It is almost like you woke up or something, you are a different
child. Last night we took a shower together as we have been doing for a while
now. Normally as soon as we enter the bathroom you cry. As I've told you
before for some reason you really despise the water. This time thought it was
different. You didn't protest at all. You sat quietly in my arms even as I
washed you hair.

You are smiling so much now, laughing even. You are making new noises every
day and now you are learning how to blow spit bubbles. Oh joy... you shirt is
forever covered in drool. When I talk to you, you move your whole body with
excitement and it is so fun to watch.

Don't get me wrong you still have your moments, but lately you are so much
more fun. You do fight sleep a lot, seems as though you are too nosy and too
afraid to miss something that is going on. That is when you are at your
crankiest. I am looking forward to you sitting up on your own, and be able to
play with more toys. I think you are always going to remain a high needs child
because it is your personality. I think that you are going to challenge your
father and I as parents and really keep us on our toes. Whatever you throw at
as I know we can handle, because we love you so much.

Just Another Dream Sequence

2007-01-03T06:09:00.000-08:00

I often have dreams that I remember quite vividly, or sometimes I'll only remember bits and peaces of a dream, but those pieces stand out so much that I feel like there is some message I am supposed to be getting from it. Other times I'll have a memory of a dream, but I don't recall the dream, but I know it was strange, or important in some way. I like to read about certain symbols in my dream and analyze them and see if they mean anything.

Last night I dreamed that I was on some sort of cruise ship or yacht.

To see a yacht in your dream, symbolizes wealth, pleasure, and luxury. You
are worry-free and pursuing a life of ease. It may also indicate your desire to
devote more time to recreational pursuits. You need to take it easy for a
while.

To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that
you are going through. The dream may also be a pun on "cruising" through
situations in your life with ease and little effort.

I had my camera and I was taking photos.

To see a camera in your dream, signifies your desires to cling on and/or
live in the past. Alternatively, it may represent you need to focus on a
particular situation. Perhaps you need to get a clearer picture or idea.

To dream that you are a photographer, represents your need to hold on to an
image from a point in your life.

Steve was there and I remember talking to him. He pointed at something that he wanted me to shoot. It was a poster of a rock band. I'm not really sure which band, but it was green and swirly looking. I was higher up than the crowd I was shooting and I looked down and there I was. I was shooting pictures of myself, I was 14 years old, and it was one of my junior high dances. There I was standing in a circle of friends like I did at that age, with my date by my side, and this dress that I thought was totally hot at the time, and now realize how ugly it was. It was a dark blue slip dress that had this lace button up layer over the top that came to my knee. Really quite ugly.

To see yourself in your dream, is a reflection of how you act and behave in
your waking life.

To dream that you are young again, symbolizes
your failed attempts to
rectify past mistakes and lost opportunities.

So I don't know what all of this means all put together. Perhaps it is that I need to reflect on my past a little more? Or that I sailed though those years without paying much attention to them. I'm not entirely sure. I do know that I love photography, maybe I'm looking back at myself at 14 wishing I had pursued then, what I knew I wanted to do.

Starting a New Year

2007-01-01T06:08:00.000-08:00

Wow it is 2007. I don't really realize how fast time goes by until the date changes. I remember New Year's Even 1999 when everyone was freaked out about Y2k. Eeeshh. Anyway, I've already stated in a previous post what my resolutions thoughts are. So what do I want out of the New Year.

I want the same things that I wanted last year. There is nothing really that I want or need, other than love and family. I hope that our family bond continues to grow, and the new year brings good things our way.

Things I will look forward too:
1. Sleeping though the night
2. Rolling over, crawling, maybe even walking..
3. Summer. I can't wait to take my peanut out to the beach, and park, and the fair.
4. Lexi's first birthday
5. Trying for baby number two.

2006 Review

2006-12-31T06:06:00.000-08:00

It's not quite the end of 2006 yet, but I will take a moment and look back on the year. January - We were in our third cycle of trying to conceive. February 3rd 2006, two pink lines! I took a pregnancy test and there were two pink lines. Looks like January was our month. March - I can't remember too much of March. I was newly pregnant and very very tired. April - We celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. We went to Bar Harbour for the weekend. We were cold and bored. The entire town rolls up the streets during the "off season" and there was nothing to do. We ended up going home early. May - We went to Connecticut for Steve Aunt & Uncles wedding anniversary party. It was also my birthday. I got incredibly homesick and my sweet sweet husband drove me 6 hours home after the wedding party so I could sleep in my own bed. My sister called me on my cell phone and we finally talked, we hadn't talked in almost six months and she didn't even know I was pregnant. We're both very stubborn. June 1st, it's a girl. We had our first ultrasound that showed we were having a baby girl. I was convinced it was a boy, and I really wanted a boy. I went though a brief period of shock/disappointment, which quickly grew to excitement. We also bought our first motorcycle together and spent lots and lots of the summer enjoying rides. July - I failed my one hour glucose test and had to go back for the three hour test, which was pure torture. We finished Lexi's room, wallpaper was up, crib put together. August - We took our childbirth classes for HypnoBirthing. It was very exciting and also very relaxing. We selected our pediatrician. We took last vacation from work before having the baby. We had all the kids and spent time at the lake. We hired a temp to do my job, trained her, and fired her after realizing she was incompetent. My employers then proceed to shove the knife in a little deeper, passing me up on a job I wanted and was "promised" as soon as I got back from my leave. They hired someone else and I then had to train her to cover for me while I was on leave. September - Had another ultrasound to check on my placenta previa that was diagnosed at my 20 week ultrasound. Placenta is ok, but amniotic fluid level was slightly low. I go to L&D for for false labor contractions, I am dilated to 1cm. I go on modified bed rest and weekly ultrasounds to monitor the fluid and the baby's growth rate. My dad had his 3rd heart attack and is near death. He's already had heart surgery in the past and there is not much more they can do for him. October 8th is the most beautiful fall day in Maine I think I have ever seen. Steve and I left the house very early in a quest for pictures. I shot everything in site and actually won a local photo contest. This happens to be the day I am in labor. I woke up with back pain and through out the day while taking pictures I had sporadic contractions. That evening we went for our last motorcycle ride with me pregnant, and boy did that speed up the contractions. We ate supper and headed to Lowes to pick up a drill Steve wanted, and then to wal-mart for snacks for while I was in labor. We headed to the birthing center and Lexi was born at 4am on October 9th 2006. The rest of October I spent enjoying my daughter. November - My first Thanksgiving as a mom. I enjoyed myself quite a bit, even eating dinner with Lexi sitting on my lap, it was just as I pictured it. I returned to work the week of Thanksgiving. I've been having a very hard time with this adjustment. December - It's year end, and wow what a year it was. I do think this was one of the best years of my life. I enjoyed my pregnancy very much. I did complain a lot, and I was quite miserable toward the end, but I am so happy of the results it produced. Steve and I had a wonderful year as a couple. I've never felt so loved before. We didn't have any major bumps in the road and we're going into the New Year happy and healthy.

Resolutions

2006-12-28T06:06:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why we make New Year's resolutions. I mean if you want to resolve to change something about yourself, or about your life, why procrastinate and wait until the New Year to do it. Why not just do it?

Ok, I get the New Year new page deal, but how many people actually keep their resolutions? I honestly can not think of a resolution I've ever kept. For a long time I'd resolve to quit smoking every year. Which I've finally done, but not because I resolved to do it in the new year. Every January 1, I would throw away my pack of cigarettes, and tell myself I didn't need to smoke. Hey, I'm weak and I don't have all that much will power, so I would start smoking within a week or too. The longest I lasted was 10 months. My mom died of lung cancer, that scared me, but apparently it only scared me for a little while. I don't know. Sometimes I just give up my resolution out of laziness, just don't want to do it anymore. Anyway I am off on a tangent...

Last year, and the year before that I resolved to be less negative. Well in some form or another. One year I said that I would try to be more tolerant of people, and last year I said that I would try to be more positive and not take things so personally. So I could say this year that I am going to do that again. I need to stop holding grudges. I try, and for the most part I am a very forgiving person. I let whomever it is back into my life, but the grudge is still there. I'm still remembering what he or she did to piss me off last time, and when they do it again, I'm even more pissed of. So yes, I could resolve to be a better person, blah blah blah... but I wont.

This year my resolution is to just be. No more trying to change this or that. I'm going to accept who I am. This doesn't mean I am giving myself a license to be a bitch. Just to be me.

11 Weeks Old

2006-12-27T06:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Alexandra,

You are 11 weeks old. Just shy of three whole months. Your personality is really beginning to bloom as you discover yourself and your surroundings. You've successfully mastered the art of eating your hand. Since you've found your hand you are unable to keep it out of your mouth, you even refuse the binky in preference to your hand. This bothers your father because he fears you will be a thumb sucker for life. For me, I see it this way. It makes you happy, and there is not much that makes you happy right now so we'll work on breaking the habit when it becomes an issue.

Yesterday I packed away all of your newborn cloths, and even some of your 0-3 month outfits. It was quite sad, especially when I opened the box and saw your preemie outfits. I can't believe you were ever that small. You've grown so much, your arms and legs are so long that the 0-3 month outfits don't fit well, so you have to wear the 3-6 month sleepers. You can't wear the 3-6 month pants outfits yet because you are not fat enough to hold up the pants. Still cute as a button none the less.

Your first Christmas went pretty well, better than I had expected at least. Seems as though you are not a fan of people though. Can't imagine why...We bring you out in public a lot, so you get a lot of socialization, but I guess its just our family you do not care for. You smiled and cooed for Pepere, you hated Aunt Judy, and didn't like PJ either. Aunt Barbara was allowed to hold you but thats it, not for much longer.

You have developed quite a list of likes and dislikes. Ok mostly dislikes. You no longer like your boppy pillow, which you loved so much before. You are still too fascinated with watching television, and lately you enjoy laying on the floor and looking at muma. I talk to you, and press my lips together and blow, I stick my tounge out at you, and you just squeal with delight. We've had a good couple of days, I do hope your humor continues.

Merry Christmas Baby

2006-12-25T06:04:00.000-08:00

I've enjoyed my
first Christmas, can't you tell?

Not Exactly in the Christmas Spirit

2006-12-22T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am actually not looking forward to Christmas. I'm still too deep in this cloud, the fog that I have been living in for the past few months. I'm more worried about the amout of work it will create than the enjoyment of it all. I will enjoy watching the kids open their presents, which by the way we are doing tonight. They've gotta go back to their mom's on Sunday and we want them to have pleanty of time to play with all of their toys. I'm not looking foward to hosting Christmas eve with a fussy baby though. I pray that she can at least be some what tolerant of the weekends activities. The house is going to be much much busier than she is used to. I feel so sad when I can't participate because I am busy keeping her happy. I can't wait for this stage to pass.