Thursday, September 25, 2008

My Name is Mommy

Yep, I'm someones Mommy, two someones actually. Yes my daughter is almost two but sometimes it still amazes me.
I've graduated from Mama to Mommy. Sometimes I kind of miss hearing Mama, but her voice is just so sweet when she says Mommy. Although we've really gotta stop watching Caillou because I think she's mimicking him and its annoying as hell. She can make herself sound just like him. Have you ever noticed how whiney this little cartoon kid is? I hate it!
All day long I hear, No Mommy, No Mommy. Mommy look... mommy mommy mommy.
Yes sweatpea, I love you, and I love being your Mommy but I'm so tired of hearing No Mommy.
I'm always referring to myself in the third person when I'm speaking to her. I'm not really sure why this happens but I know everyone does it.
"No honey, Mommy said don't do that."
"Mommy doesn't like that"
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in being mommy I forget I have another name.
One of these days I'm going to answer the phone at work, "Mommy speaking, how may I help you."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Thinking

Time for my Tuesday night random post.
So I've been thinking a lot about adoption. Mine in general. I was watching this show the other night called The Locator. This guy is like a private investigator or something and families contact them to find their "missing" family member.
The particular episode that I watched involved a 20 something woman who was given up for adoption at birth. Her birth mother's nurse was the adoptee's aunt. The aunt had all the information regarding the birth mother but wouldn't share. So she enlisted the help of The Locator.
So the guy finds the woman, seemingly relatively fast and brings the adoptee to the birth mothers house. This woman had a beautiful upscale type house. She was obviouslly very well off. The adoptee met her mother and then went on to meet her two younger sisters. Everyone is happy, the show ends. I'm pretty sure I would have been kind of pissed off. To see how well my mother had done for herself. Not only that but just a year later my younger sister would be born. Sheesh, talk about getting robbed.
My own story is a little different.
I always knew I was/am adopted, from the moment I could first understand I guess. One day was I was 18 my parents (adopted parents, but my "real" parents) called me to my sisters house. They said it was important and I needed to get there right away.
When I arrived there was a solom look on everyone's faces. I knew there was something wrong. Thats when they showed me a woman's obituarity. I began reading it and immediatly knew it was my mother. I don't know how I just did, and then I read my birth name listed as one of her surving children. There were six. On that day I had learned the mother who gave me life and then gave me wonderful parents, a woman who i'd never met but loved so much, had died. I also learned that I had siblings. Older siblings. I was the very last kid to be born and they couldn't keep me.
The wake was that evening, my family asked me if I wanted to go, and if I did they would be by my side. I had to go. I couldn't let my mother be buried without me seeing her face.
When I arrived there in the parkling lot my sister recognized someone. It was a woman whom she had worked with a year or so before. The woman turned out to be my Grandmother. My sister introduced me and my Grandmother put her arms around me and began crying. I cried so hard. The feeling I can't even describe. It was joy, it was fear, excitement and sadness. I went into the funeral home and met my birth mother for the first time, lying in her casket.
I then met my sister and four brothers. The whole thing was a whirlwind.
We kept in contact for some time, but it didn't last. I'm not sure why. I guess after the curiosity was settled, I didn't feel I needed them in my life. I do regret it from time to time. I think about them often. I saw in the newspaper that my Grandfather died. I wanted to send a card but I never did.
Now being a mother myself, I can't imagine the pain my birth mom went though. How can you possibly carry a baby for that long, go through the labor and birth process, and then just hand her away. I wont lie sometimes i feel resentment, but I'm so happy and thankful to my birth mother for doing the right thing and giving me to a wonderful family that could provide for me. I was lucky and blessed, and lived a higher quality life, in my opinion, than that of my siblings. I'm just sorry my birth mother had to go through that. When I look at my babies, I feel so sorry for my her and wished that she had gotten a chance to see what I've become.
Adoption is a wonderful thing. I admire the mothers who give their babies a chance every day, and feel for their pain.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Its all worth it

All of the the sleepless nights, the hours of colicky crying, the rocking and holding until it stop and then starting over. The poop, the pee the spit up. Teething, fevers, sickness, tantrums. All of that goes away just to here those sweet words, the most beautiful words in the English language.

I love you mama.

She did it, she finally said it and it was the best feeling in the world. Thanks Barney for teaching her the song, because now she gets it.
For a week now she's been saying, I love you mimi, I love you dada, I love you Tasha, I love you Becca, I love you Stevie. She had something against saying it to me I don't know, but today, today she said it and it just melted me away.

I love you too Lexi.

I like my peas ma!


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Forgive me for it has been

Two months since I last blogged. I just can't keep up. I like blogging I really do. I know no one is reading but I don't care. I do it for my own entertainment purposes mostly, and it gives me someone to bounce random shit off.
So in the last two months in crazy mommy land, what have I done? Not much really. Funny it seems that I am always super busy but when I account for what I've done, I can't see that I've really done anything. I work all day. Oh thats different I got a new job. Same place, different position. I am now working for the Director of Nursing which has been good, no complaints there. It does get slow from time to time compared to what I was doing before, but it seems to me that I need to be constantly busy to be happy. I don't know what it is. People always seem to be surprised when I've completed a task. I mean seriously, does everyone else in the world besides me have shitty time management skills? Now I'm not saying I'm the shit and that I am better than everyone else, just I seem to always get my work done faster. I do need to figure out a way to space things out a bit. See the complication there lies in my personality. When I'm given something. I do it right away, because number 1, I have to get it done, 2 if I don't get it done right away it will nag on me until I do it. So to save myself all the frustration I just do it right away. So then when someone brings me something else to do I'm all caught up and I can focus my attention on that project. Now when I have more than one project going on at one time, I usually find a way to work on them both at the same time. Say project A requires me to complete a step and then wait for someone else, I then move on to project B until either completion, or project A's next step is ready. I'll set aside project B and finish project A, because you know you can not leave anything hanging.

So tonight I have some free time to myself. I could be doing something like texting and earning a little extra cash but I really just wanna sit and do nothing, or rattle off a bunch of nothing on my blog. I finished work today, came home and started the assembely line. Yes I know I only have two kids but sometimes it seems like I have to run an assembely line to get things done. First its feed myself and Lexi.
Lexi will go play for a while and its time for Luke to eat.
Usually Lexi requires a bath because she got filthy. Then we brush her teeth and its time for jammies and we're headed upstairs. I spend a little quality time rocking her for a minute or two because its the only cuddle time I get in with her, and then I put her in her crib for the night.
Next its Lukes turn. He's probably been fussing the whole time I was with Lexi because hes a baby and he's impatient. So I get him in the bath. He's small and doesn't yet play in the water so his baths are usually pretty short. Then its jammie time. I go upstairs feed him a bottle, rock and cuddle and put him in his crib. See how its like an assembley line?
Its like latter, rinse and repeat.