Another Mom Blog

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Miss Lexi Enjoying Life

I haven't done a random post in a while. Some of my recent favorite pictures.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Five Years Ago

Five years ago today my mother died. People tell you, when someone dies, that time heals, and it will get better as the days pass and so on. Really it doesn't ever get better. At least for me. Every day without her is hard, and today is even harder. Today its all fresh in my mind again, like it happened today.

My mom was sick for a long time. She had lung cancer which spread throughout her body. She had chemotherapy and went into remission for ten wonderful months. When the cancer came back it was worse. Still in her lungs but also had spread to her bones, and her brain. She had more rounds of chemotherapy and even radiation. The radiation broke her. She was so sick and week she lost her spirit to fight. Three days prior to her death she had fallen down. My aunt who was staying with her called me at work, she could not help her up. I left work immediately and drove to my moms apartment and called my dad on my way. The image of my mom laying on the floor completely helpless is forever burned into my mind. It kills me. The woman who once took care of me, could no longer take care of herself. I don't know what gave me the strength, my mom was a pretty heavy woman, but I lifted her off the floor and helped her to her bed. I laid with her and we cried and cried. She told me she was so disgusted with herself and she just wanted to give up.

My father and I agreed that it was time she go back to the hospital. We called an ambulance to come because we could not get her in the car. They lived on the second floor of an apartment and the paramedics carried her out, strapped to a chair.

Three days go by and my mother is in the hospital. I never left her side. My father ended up in the emergency room. All of the stress caused his angina to act up. I sat with her and listened. Her breathing was labored, gurgling sounding. She laid still with her eyes closed, and I laid with my head on her chest.

Finally my sister and her husband came, and my husband came. We stayed all day and all night so she wouldn't be alone, just waiting for her to die. We knew there was no coming home this time. The morning of her death I went home to take a shower. My husband had already left to fix his truck at home. When I left I knew it wouldn't be much longer. Her legs were turning purple, and her kidney's had shut down. I told my husband to hurry back as I left on my way back to the hospital. When I arrived I grabbed her hand and stood by her side. She opened her eyes and looked at me for the first time in three days. I told her not to be scared. I told her it was ok to let go. I told her we all would be fine and I would take care of everyone. She took her last breath.

I cried so hard. I said I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, over and over again. To this day I'm not sure why I said that. I felt it needed to be said. I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering she went though. I'm so sorry for anything I ever did as a kid to hurt her feelings. I'm so sorry she had to leave us.

The rest of the day is still clear to me. My husband came, but he was too late. I ran out into the parking lot and grabbed on to him so tight and cried. I cried and cried for days. It occurred to me that I will never hear her voice again. Never see her smile, or hear her laugh. I felt so alone.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Fear of dying

I've always had a fear of dying, but lately its been intensified. Part of the reason is I think that I've finally come to terms with the idea of Heaven and Hell not existing. Being raised Catholic, I was taught about God, Heaven, Hell, Satan...the works. I can't say that even as a kid I ever fully believed in all of it. I can't find any evidence of God, therefore I choose not to believe. I wouldn't label myself an Atheist, just a free thinker. I'm open to all kinds of possibilities. Anyhow, getting off topic. I'm coming to realize that death is the end. There is nothing more. No Heaven, no afterlife, nada. That scares the crap out of me. I think about my daughter and what will happen to her. What would happen if I couldn't see her smile anymore, hear her laugh, or even cry. To not hold her or hug her. It just kills me. Granted I don't plan on dying in the near future, but there is always that what if. Even if I die when shes fifty its still not something I'm looking forward to. Maybe its because the anniversary of my own mother's death is coming up. I look at how much I still love and need her and can't believe she no longer exists anywhere. She's missed out on so much of my life over the past five years, and I too have missed out on having her here.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

New Job - Day Five

I started my new job last Wednesday. It was supposed to be later but the woman who had the position before me had two days to "train" me. Well we went over a couple of things but, I am pretty much sitting here clueless. To top it off... my new boss is on vacation this week. So I'm here with nothing to do all week. Totally totally sucks. I mean who does that?!

Starting a new job has its ups and downs. On major downer is obviously my lack of work. I feel so alone here its crazy. There are a whole bunch of people around me, but I am all alone. There aren't many people here whom I would consider aproachable. I'm like a ghost, I don't exist here yet. My friend suggested bringing in donuts to get them to like me. Oh funny and true is that. If I bring in donuts surely everyone will remember my name, that or I'll forever be known as Dunkin Donuts girl.

I want to like this job, I really do. Ultimately it's not where I want to be but it will have to be a transition job, until I can get into the field I want. Until then, I sit here twiddling my thumbs.