The Ever Changing Baby

Lexi has acquired a new skill, and it is screaming. Her new nick name is
screech. She's not screaming out of anger or sadness, just yelling a the top of
her lungs because she can. She loves it. She'll squeal and screech and giggle.
It was cute at first, now it's getting a tad old. Especially when trying to
watch TV.

She's getting much better at playing with her toys. She loves
her playmat now. She seems to favor the parrot, maybe its because his feathers
make this crinkly noise when she grabs at it. She swats at the elephant and
yells at him he she can not catch him.

She enjoys her new Baby Einstein
jumper. She'll spend twenty minutes or so in it talking to herself in the
mirror, or swatting at the different shapes and do dads.


We've
introduced her to her first Baby Einstein video. Last night we watched Baby
Bach, which see seemed to enjoy. All the flashy colors and different shapes
moving about kept her interest for at least twenty minutes.

She doesn't
cry much anymore, unless she is over tired. Most of her communication is
screeches, squeals and grunts. I've got to learn all over again what it is she
wants and which grunt means what.

Bath time is no longer as torturous as
it used to be. She will only cry for a second or two when her butt first hits
the water, and then she'll sit patiently while mum washes her. Once she even
cracked a smile, and then she realized that I noticed so she went back to
pouting.

The weather is cold, so we do not go outside much. The other day
when it was below zero we had to go shopping and we put her in her snow suit.
She looked like the abominable baby.



She still does not enjoy tummy
time very much, and is still not rolling over. She's changing so much every day,
don't blink or you might miss something.

Friendships

Some friendships are better left in the toilet. I guess I wonder why people need friendships. It is good to have a friendship outside your marriage, but what it the friendship is more toxic than helping. Then what do you do? To me, friendships are a lot of work. It's like having two marriages only you don't live with the friend, or in some cases I guess you would. I guess if I met the right person then the friendship wouldn't be so much work. It should just flow and your lives should just mesh nicely together. It seems like I'm not in the right place or aligned correctly with anyone. Everyone that I've enjoyed company with, and felt I had a true friendship with has turned out to be more effort than the rewards received.
If I take a moment to reflect back on my friendships, I could go way back but I'd be writing forever.
We'll start with my childhood friend. There was never really anything wrong with this friendship. We grew up living on the same road and became friends when I was five and she was six. We sat on the bus together everyday and were at each others house always. Then she went to high school and I was stuck a year behind her. We lost touch. We've since reunited a couple of times, but have been unable to maintain a friendship. Things didn't work out. She had children before I did. Lives a couple of towns away, doesn't have her own transportation. It's a lot that adds up to making this situation a difficult one.

Then there's the two girls from a previous job. What ever happened to them? We used to get together once a week, and then once a month, and now I haven't heard from either of them in six months. I don't know what happened. We all got caught up in the ins and outs of the day to day grind and never kept in contact. I felt like I was the only one calling and emailing and I got really tired of never hearing back.

Then there's my best friend, whom I've had since we were in seventh grade. We were so close during that time and then we went to high school... a boy got in between another friend of ours and I, and she took the other friends side. We reunited several years later, were like two peas in a pod again, then I did something awful to her. We both moved away and ended up moving to the same town. Almost as though we were meant to be friends, not only did we live in the same down, but a quarter mile away from each other. All was forgiven and we are still friends. This one is a hard relationship that I am hoping will work out. I'm hoping we can get our lives realigned. She works full time, and is a full time college student. I work full time and I have a new baby. It's hard to keep in touch even when you are so close.

There's the one that fights all the time. The most recent, that has prompted this thought process by me. We became friends when I got my first job when I was sixteen. She introduced me to a lot, namely my ex husband. She and I lived together for a while and were really close but we used to fight like cats and dogs. I got married, she got married, had a couple kids and she moved a few towns away. It was really difficult to keep in touch, again with the different places in our lives. Recently I found her and emailed her, and well I remember why I should have left that friendship in the toilet. Right from the get go we're in a fight. She's mad about my split with my ex husband. Doesn't like my new husband even though she doesn't know him. She's opinionated and judgemental. I guess she is too much like me, we are both stubborn and opinionated.

Why is it so difficult to find and maintain friendships. I've had so many rewarding friendships. It's sad when things don't work out. I genuinely miss my old friends. Sometimes I wish I was still five and playing cabbage patch kids with the neighbor girl.

What I've Learned From Blogging

The imaginative projection into an other's feelings, a state of total identification
with an other's
situation, condition, and thoughts. The action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and
experience of another of either the past or present without explicitly
articulating these feelings.

So is it a virtue, a gift or a curse. I'm not sure which. Maybe I am extra hormonal but lately I find myself with so much empathy for others and their situations. When someone is sad, I feel sad for them. When someone gets their feelings hurt, or there is a possibility that their feelings will be hurt, then I feel sad.

I'm not sure where all this comes from, I guess I am just becoming more sensitive. Maybe I've had my fair share of feelings hurt. I have to thank a certain someone in my life for behaving the way she does. She makes me want to not be like her. She talks down to people, is rude and is always hurting someones feelings. I never want to make anyone feel the way she sometimes makes me feel.

I think part of it is being a mother. I see certain situations when someone is being made fun of or going though a tough time, and I think, what if that were my daughter? I never want my daughter to have her feelings hurt like that. I know I can't keep her in a tiny little bubble her whole life, and her feelings will get hurt. I know it is my job to help her deal with those feelings. I guess my point is, the old adage,

Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

Don't hurt someones feelings unless you expect your to be hurt.

Empathy

The imaginative projection into an other's feelings, a state of total identification
with an other's
situation, condition, and thoughts. The action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and
experience of another of either the past or present without explicitly
articulating these feelings.

So is it a virtue, a gift or a curse. I'm not sure which. Maybe I am extra hormonal but lately I find myself with so much empathy for others and their situations. When someone is sad, I feel sad for them. When someone gets their feelings hurt, or there is a possibility that their feelings will be hurt, then I feel sad.

I'm not sure where all this comes from, I guess I am just becoming more sensitive. Maybe I've had my fair share of feelings hurt. I have to thank a certain someone in my life for behaving the way she does. She makes me want to not be like her. She talks down to people, is rude and is always hurting someones feelings. I never want to make anyone feel the way she sometimes makes me feel.

I think part of it is being a mother. I see certain situations when someone is being made fun of or going though a tough time, and I think, what if that were my daughter? I never want my daughter to have her feelings hurt like that. I know I can't keep her in a tiny little bubble her whole life, and her feelings will get hurt. I know it is my job to help her deal with those feelings. I guess my point is, the old adage,

Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

Don't hurt someones feelings unless you expect your to be hurt.

Mothering through the generations

I wonder what life will be like for my daughter when she is my age.

When my mother was growing up in the forties and fifties life was much different than it is today. I wish I could ask her what it was like when she was a kid. I know that she grew up on a farm with ten, or maybe eleven siblings. There was no going out to eat, there was no going to the mall, or shopping for frivolous items. They lived off the land and produced their own food, and made their own cloths. They each had their chores. I can remember my mother telling me that she wasn't a kitchen girl. She was pappy's girl. She left school in the eighth grade and went and helped my grandfather cut wood every day. She once told me that she never miss behaved due to the fact that she was afraid of her father. She said her mother used to threaten her with the words "Wait until your father gets home."

That is once thing that was carried onto the next generation while she was raising me. I was such a clown, and I was a spoiled rotten brat. I would act up and my mother would say "Wait until your father gets home." Although she knew that, that didn't scare me at all. My father is such a gentle soul. He never raised his voice, he never spanked. It was my mother that I was afraid of. I quickly learned to stop doing whatever it was I was doing whenever I got "The look."
Life was much more easy for me I think growing up. We did not live on a farm. We often went out to dinner, my mother bought me dolls, and cloths and we had color cable television and a VCR.

Now here I am raising a daughter of my own. What will her childhood years be like? With such a drastic difference between my mothers childhood and mine, will there be a difference between mine and my daughters? What will she have to look forward to? What will she have to accomplish?
The Speaker of The House is a woman, for the first time. There is a woman running for president in her lifetime, maybe there will be a woman elected president. I think that we will find that women take on a whole new roll. What will this mean for my daughter, and for me, and for her children to come. Raising her will be a journey, one filled with both laughter and sadness, but certainly lots of love, as I received from my mother and as she received from hers.

Profile of a high need baby

Taken from Dr. Sears' The Fussy Baby Book.

1. Intense
2. Hyperactive
3. Draining
4. Feeds Frequently
5. Demanding
6. Awakens Frequently
7. Unpredictable
9. Supersensitive
10. Unable to be put down
11. Not a Self Soother
12. Separation Sensitive

For the most part my dear sweet baby is all of these. It is important for me to remember that these traits aren't necessarily negative.

Many mothers seem to have an internal energy gauge that magically brings in more
fuel just as the tank nears empty. There will be days of incessant holding with
no breaks. But just when you feel you can't cope with another day of giving, you
get a second wind, and suddenly you can relax and enjoy your baby's unique
personality blooming. It's as if baby senses mother's breaking point and backs
off a bit. There probably won't be any days off, but some days will be less
difficult than others.

This is true for us. Sometimes I just want to scream and cry because I am getting so frustrated. Then I remind myself that she is just a baby and she is not purposely trying to aggravate me. Then she smiles at me and the sun shines again.

High need babies don't just merely request feeding and holding, they demand it
-- loudly. This feature more than any of the others pushes parents' buttons,
causing them to feel manipulated and controlled. Adults who are stuck in the
"parenting equals control" mindset may have great difficulty realizing that
babies' demands equal communication, not control.

I think it is the fear of being manipulated and controlled that makes me feel like I am doing wrong. I've got society telling me. Don't pick her up right away when she cries she's going to be spoiled. You've got to feed her on a schedule, you've got to be in control. When really what I should be listening to is my own mothering instinct. Life is much more pleasant when I go with the flow. Baby knows what she needs and when she needs it.

The quality of wanting people instead of things as pacifiers, while initially
exhausting, will eventually work to the child's advantage. The child will have a
better grasp on interpersonal relationships, especially being comfortable with
the quality of intimacy.

Here is a positive aspect of having a high need baby. I do think she is going to be full of energy and challenging while growing up, but I also think we will be rewarded with a wonderfully sensitive and happy young lady.

I think she was brought into my life to teach me. She makes everything unpredictable for me. I think she is going to teach me patience, love, understanding and how to go with the flow. I'm grateful for my high need baby.

I'm enjoying this book. While it may not be helping me find the answers. It's teaching me that there isn't always a cut and dry answer for everything. Especially babies. It is helping me to understand why she behaves the way she does and why I feel the way I feel.

Parenting a high need baby

Most of us enter parenthood expecting to be in control of our baby, or at leas tin charge. You expect the baby to respond to you, to follow your lead. You call the shots. You set the daily routine. You determine where baby sleeps and when baby is in your arms or in her crib. Now you find yourself losing control - of yourself and your baby. You discover it's a myth that good parents are in control - or you wonder if perhaps you are not a good parent.

When I read that paragraph in Dr. Sears' The Fussy Baby Book it was like a light bulb turn on in my mind. Ah ha, exactly this is why I have no patience. I have to let go... just let go Julie. Being a type A personality I feel like I need to control everything. So how do I become a better parent. Well learn patience, obviously right? Easier said than done.

I find myself believing that I am not a good mother. How could I possibly be a good mother when I can not control my frustration? I get so tense because she wont sleep. I tried putting her down awake and that was torture on all of us. I know I've got to do what works for us. She needs to be held so I'll hold her. But it would be so much eaiser if I could just sit down. My back hurts, my legs hurt I am sick to death of pacing around the kitchen. It's too cold to go outside, can't go for a car ride, God forbid I try to set her down or put her in the once loved swing. She does not like to sleep. She prefers to be awake even though she is so desperately tired. She fights and fights. Sometimes I can't even wear her in the sling when that used to be the ultimate "happy place." I know she feels my frustration, I know that I need to relax and learn patience. If she's not following my schedule, so what. It's not the end of the world. So that is how I will be a better parent. I will relax, I will learn patience, I be positive. I will love my daughter.

Five Thing You Don't Know About Me

This is kind of a though one for me to do. I am sure there are lots of things
you (my readers) don't know about me, but, do I want to tell you? And is it
interesting enough to read about? I am so not an interesting person. Here's my
attempt.

1. I still sleep with a teddy bear. He's white and his name is Mr. Winter. I
received him as a Christmas gift when I was young and haven't been able to part
with him yet. When the baby arrived I vowed to stop sleeping with the teddy
bear. I put him in the head board in one of the cabinets. Sometimes I wake up in
the night and he is in my arms. Either I've missed him and I took him out, or he
didn't like being in the cabinet and climbed out himself.

2. I've been married twice. I got married at nineteen, we had been together
since I was sixteen. It never really was love, just a friendship and the next
step was to get married.

3. I dropped out of high school at fifteen. My freshman year was great, met a
boy, fell in "love", we split my sophomore year, and suddenly my life was hell.
Ok.. when I say hell I mean hell to a fifteen year old. Suddenly I was out. No
longer part of the in crowd, and that made high school really hard. I got a job
and worked until I could afford to take the equivalency test. I took the test,
past and later went on to get my Associates Degree.

4. I am adopted. I know that's a known fact to some of you, but others don't
know it. I always knew I was adopted ever since I was a child and able to
understand it. When I was eighteen my biological mother passed away at the age
of forty.. Her obituary was in the newspaper and my parents found it. They had
listed me as one of her surviving children, well my given name at birth which
was Carrie. My parents, sister and fiancé had attended my biological mothers
funeral with me. There I met my grandmother, my five siblings, four brothers and
a sister. I found out my father lives in Tennessee and he also has two more
boys.

5. Two years ago I was convinced I never wanted kids. I guess I wasn't ready
to make the sacrifice. I didn't want to give up young me. I'm glad I grew up, or
I think I would have missed out on the most fulfilling thing in life.

 

 

Month Three

Dear Alexandra,

You are three months old! I must say, who are you and what have you done with
my baby? For the past week or so you've changed so much, and you are acting so
different. It is almost like you woke up or something, you are a different
child. Last night we took a shower together as we have been doing for a while
now. Normally as soon as we enter the bathroom you cry. As I've told you
before for some reason you really despise the water. This time thought it was
different. You didn't protest at all. You sat quietly in my arms even as I
washed you hair.

You are smiling so much now, laughing even. You are making new noises every
day and now you are learning how to blow spit bubbles. Oh joy... you shirt is
forever covered in drool. When I talk to you, you move your whole body with
excitement and it is so fun to watch.

Don't get me wrong you still have your moments, but lately you are so much
more fun. You do fight sleep a lot, seems as though you are too nosy and too
afraid to miss something that is going on. That is when you are at your
crankiest. I am looking forward to you sitting up on your own, and be able to
play with more toys. I think you are always going to remain a high needs child
because it is your personality. I think that you are going to challenge your
father and I as parents and really keep us on our toes. Whatever you throw at
as I know we can handle, because we love you so much.

Just Another Dream Sequence

I often have dreams that I remember quite vividly, or sometimes I'll only remember bits and peaces of a dream, but those pieces stand out so much that I feel like there is some message I am supposed to be getting from it. Other times I'll have a memory of a dream, but I don't recall the dream, but I know it was strange, or important in some way. I like to read about certain symbols in my dream and analyze them and see if they mean anything.

Last night I dreamed that I was on some sort of cruise ship or yacht.

To see a yacht in your dream, symbolizes wealth, pleasure, and luxury. You
are worry-free and pursuing a life of ease. It may also indicate your desire to
devote more time to recreational pursuits. You need to take it easy for a
while.

To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that
you are going through. The dream may also be a pun on "cruising" through
situations in your life with ease and little effort.

I had my camera and I was taking photos.

To see a camera in your dream, signifies your desires to cling on and/or
live in the past. Alternatively, it may represent you need to focus on a
particular situation. Perhaps you need to get a clearer picture or idea.

To dream that you are a photographer, represents your need to hold on to an
image from a point in your life.

Steve was there and I remember talking to him. He pointed at something that he wanted me to shoot. It was a poster of a rock band. I'm not really sure which band, but it was green and swirly looking. I was higher up than the crowd I was shooting and I looked down and there I was. I was shooting pictures of myself, I was 14 years old, and it was one of my junior high dances. There I was standing in a circle of friends like I did at that age, with my date by my side, and this dress that I thought was totally hot at the time, and now realize how ugly it was. It was a dark blue slip dress that had this lace button up layer over the top that came to my knee. Really quite ugly.

To see yourself in your dream, is a reflection of how you act and behave in
your waking life.

To dream that you are young again, symbolizes
your failed attempts to
rectify past mistakes and lost opportunities.

So I don't know what all of this means all put together. Perhaps it is that I need to reflect on my past a little more? Or that I sailed though those years without paying much attention to them. I'm not entirely sure. I do know that I love photography, maybe I'm looking back at myself at 14 wishing I had pursued then, what I knew I wanted to do.

Starting a New Year

Wow it is 2007. I don't really realize how fast time goes by until the date changes. I remember New Year's Even 1999 when everyone was freaked out about Y2k. Eeeshh. Anyway, I've already stated in a previous post what my resolutions thoughts are. So what do I want out of the New Year.

I want the same things that I wanted last year. There is nothing really that I want or need, other than love and family. I hope that our family bond continues to grow, and the new year brings good things our way.

Things I will look forward too:
1. Sleeping though the night
2. Rolling over, crawling, maybe even walking..
3. Summer. I can't wait to take my peanut out to the beach, and park, and the fair.
4. Lexi's first birthday
5. Trying for baby number two.