Another Mom Blog

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The black hole of all the nothingness

So it is here, winter and my silly little winter blues have come for a visit. It has been particularity rough as of late, which could be in part due to the pregnancy. I hate this. I hate that I'm so sad, and angry and withdrawn. I don't want to talk to anyone, or see anyone, I have little patience for my own children. I have no energy to pretend and be nice and interact with people. I don't even like going to the store for the fact that I have to say two words to a cashier. Can't people just leave me alone. I just can't stand another day of all of this nothingness. There is so much blank nothingness. I spend all day disengaged and bored at work. Then I go home and just wait until bedtime. I feel like my entire day is waiting until bedtime.

My family irritates me, it is like I am irritated that they are not irrationally angry, bored and sad like I am. Why are they content with sitting around, watching TV, or using their electronic devices. What could you possibly be looking at? How can you have your face in that device for hours on end and be OK with that. Will someone please justify my feelings and be angry and sad with me.

Please don't tell me to get a hobby. Do you think I have not thought of that 1000 times over the past ten years. Shit, why hadn't I thought of that, all I need is a hobby to occupy my time and life will be good. I wont be so fucking angry all of the time. I don't like being angry. I don't like being short with my poor innocent kids and yelling at them for my own feelings. Then I feel like a giant asshole afterward, which is great for my self depreciation.

Take Vitamin D you say, that'll make you feel better.
Yep, already consuming 5000 ius daily, I think I've got that covered.

Get a sun lamp for your desk, that'll make you feel better.
Are you fucking kidding me? That wont look completely ridiculous at all. I'll be shouting to my whole office, HEY, look at me! I'm a depressed asshole who needs a fucking sun lamp so I don't freak the fuck out.

Go for a walk. Go to the gym.
Yup, check done.

No, not taking medication, that's not even an option right now, especially while I am carrying someone elses kid.

It'll pass, it always does.

I think we seriously have a plan to move south, for real this time, we saw a Realtor and everything. Of course the whole process will take a couple of years, but will it change things? I will have to give up other things just to have warmth and sunlight.

I just don't know.

At least its out. I don't have it all in my head by myself anymore. I wish this cloud would please leave me alone. I just wish I could sleep until March.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

So I Guess I Have MS

Apparently I had forgotten for a while, well sort of at least I was able to put in in the back of my mind. I am assuming my medication Copaxone was actually working. I've stopped taking it because I am now getting my body ready for the invitro fertilization to carry my a second baby for my good friends.

Although my symptoms never actually went away, they seem to have come out from the back shelf I put them on. My dizziness is ok, but I am tingling, numb, exhausted and my arms and legs ache with intensity,

For a while I didn't always believe that I do have MS. I had received a second opinion for a MS specialist Neurologist and she agreed with the diagnosis.

So some days I'm feeling newly diagnosed all over again when my symptoms are kicking my ass. I am hoping that things get better when I am actually pregnant. Both Neurologists agree that the body tends to go into a protective state while pregnant and many women experience no symptoms at all. Please let that be me.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

AIP Abandoned, sorta...

So it probably wont come as any surprise that my attempt to follow the Autoimmune Protocol failed, or was just abandoned. After about two weeks I found that I was annoyed all the time and generally unhappy about what I was doing, and in the end it is just all about quality of life so I had to make the choice. It wasn't helping my symptoms (yes I know, you are supposed to go for 30 days) so I made the choice to just eat. It was really becoming an unhealthy obsession for me.

I am still eating a paleo style diet, most of the time. I have read TONS about gluten, grains, dairy and sugars and it convinced me that they really have no place in my everyday diet. Does that mean that I don't have it ever, no. Again, I'm making the choice to have some of those items in moderation from time to time.

I am not doing much better in terms of my symptoms. It is weird and frustrating at how unpredictable it has been for me. Many days I feel OK, but the dizziness and tingling and numbness is always there, just in different intensity.

I've begun taking Copaxone to treat Multiple Sclerosis. Copaxone is what is called a disease modifying drug. It is supposed to block my immune system from attacking itself and reduce the amount of "flare ups" or "relapses" I have. So far nothing is different with my symptoms, though it is not exactly supposed to treat the symptoms.

It has been frustrating to me that I've got nothing to deal with the symptoms. I can deal with the tingling, numbness, but the dizziness just overtakes my life sometimes. The dizziness also comes along with fatigue. I wonder if it is the dizziness that makes me tired or the fatigue that makes the dizziness worse. Either way it sucks and I hate it.

The other night the dizziness was just making me want to jump off a roof so I took a Meclizine, which is a complete waste of time, I'm not even really sure why I take it. It is sometimes prescribed to people with vertigo or dizziness associated  with the vestibular system, but really I have dizziness caused by a disorder effecting the central nervous system, why then take it? I was desperate. Again, big waste. I was still dizzy and I spent the whole next day (at work) like a zombie. I was so tired, I barely even remember the details of the day.

I should have called out sick from work yesterday but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't bring myself to go home. Doing so would be admitting that I am not iron clad and as strong as I like people to perceive me to be. I don't like to ever be vulnerable, I always need to be in control.

I feel like I have lost all control now.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I think I am feeling better

I'm not sure, but I thought I should write it down so I can re-evaluate in a few days.

I still have some tingling and some numbness, maybe I will always have those residual symptoms. I do think that my fatigue has improved. Dizziness, still seems to come and go.

Yesterday I noticed that I felt pretty good. I didn't feel like I wanted to lay down on my desk in the afternoon, or need to anyway. I still feel a little floaty when moving my head suddenly but its not as bad.
Maybe this was bound to happen anyway? Maybe my diet is effecting my symptoms, I don't know.

Like I said, I do still have tingling happening. I haven't completely gone AIP. I have been having wine and coffee. I'll nix those next to see what happens. I also think there may have been some gluten in a sauce I ate yesterday with lunch.

Monday, April 28, 2014

One week on AIP

Sorta.. yup that's right I didn't make it. Damnit. I read over and over that to do AIP correctly you must really not cheat for 30 days to figure out what is causing the problem.

Though I said I wouldn't, I cheated and ate a piece of cake.

The hubby and I went out to dinner for our anniversary and I ate like I should for dinner, then I ate the cake. So I guess I am sorta starting over. Blech.

Yesterday I did some cooking to set myself up for success this week. I made herb beef patties and chicken patties. I also did some garlic mayo. The beef and chicken patties came out great! I put them in the freezer to take out for breakfast in the morning, all I need to do is heat it lightly in a frying pan.

I am not sure about the mayo, it has a really heavy coconut flavor. Maybe if I added more olive oil, but I was afraid that would be too heavy. I need to play around with that one.

I also made a batch of flounder to top my salads for lunch for the week. That is not picture because I forgot about them and burned them to jerky, so there goes that plan.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Day Three of AIP

Today is day three of following the The Autoimmune Protocol, it hasn't been too bad so far.

Last night I really really wanted a little Cadbury mini egg, but I refrained. I don't know if I am feeling any better yet, not that I expected too this quick. I feel generally achy today, especially on my left side, my left leg hurts and I'm having spasms in my left arm, tingling in my feet, still floating.

I find I have been struggling a little with breakfast. For some reason we all have ideas of what breakfast should be. Eggs, toast, bacon, cereal, pancakes, why? Why do we put certain foods into certain categories like eggs for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch.

I decided to make some food so that I could just heat it up in the morning. I made the best, the BEST, sweet potato hash. It was so simple:

Cut up a pound of bacon, I used uncured all natural, no preservatives, cook in a frying pan
Remove the bacon (not the grease) and add two large sweet potatoes cubed, cook until tender and remove
Add 1 sweet onion diced or sliced and cook until translucent, add two cloves minced garlic, salt and pepper and onion powder.
Put it all back in the pan for a minute or two.

Yum! I didn't take a picture or I would post it.

So this morning I grabbed a bit of that to take to work and eat for breakfast, but today was a gym day so I needed some extra protein. I'm still getting used to not having my protein shakes and I miss them, so I have had to be more creative with my protein intake. There was a leftover pork chop in the fridge so I cut that up and ate it in the car on the way to the gym, whatever works!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Paleo Diet and Autoimmune Protocol

So I have spent a great deal of time reading about a the Paleo Diet and the role it can play in healing/managing MS. A Paleo style diet is also known as the Caveman diet. The short of it is, no processed foods, basically just meat and veggies.

MS is an autoimmune disease so I have chosen to try to follow The Autoimmune Protocol because it makes sense to me that what I put in my body effects how I feel. Starting today I will be doing a thirty day elimination diet. I have read a couple of different things, that the elimination phase should be 23 and some say 30 so I am not sure exactly what I will use for a date yet. I am giving up grains, processed foods, dairy, eggs, nuts, seeds, sugar, coffee and alcohol and then I will slowly start to reintroduce them. I will not reintroduce grains though, and I am not sure about dairy, maybe in limited amounts.

I had already reduced my intake of grains and processed foods considerably. After baby M was born I had a month to get back to where I wanted to be to enjoy my Florida vacation. I kept the lifestyle since I felt better on it.

This weekend I ate and drank a lot. I said goodbye to some of my favorite foods and today is day one of the elimination diet.

No coffee today, replaced it with green tea. Lunch, well I forgot to pack my salad so I am not sure yet!
The elimination will be tough, but I can handle it. I need to see if it helps, the fatigue and dizziness is kicking my ass.